Skip over navigation

What to Do When the Sorting Hat Assigns You to the Wrong Hogwarts House

What to Do When the Sorting Hat Assigns You to the Wrong Hogwarts House

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

YouTube / Warner Bros

Oh no! Hold onto your golden snitches and grip your dragon heart-string wands tightly, the world as you know has been turned upside down: The Sorting Hat just shouted the absolute wrong house for you at Hogwarts. You thought you were Ravenclaw bound, but the hat is saying Hufflepuff. It’s not that you have anything against Hufflepuff, but everyone in your family belongs to Ravenclaw and what about your expansive intelligence, huh? What about that, Sorting Hat? What’s a little wizard in training supposed to do when the Sorting Hat announces the wrong house? Luckily, we have a few tricks up our sleeves for this particular type of disaster.

  1. Get up very slowly and walk to the House table of your choice. Sit down. Be very very still.
  2. Scream “The Sorting Hat has been cursed! It whispered to me that it was going to announce the wrong house and it did! It told me no one would believe me! But you believe me, don’t you? Don't you?”
  3. Smile, and say “Ah ha! Sorting Hat, you are too funny!” Make your way to the house table you wish to be a part of, laughing the whole time. “What a sense of humor the Sorting Hat has! Get that hat a half-hour Comedy Central Presents!”
  4. Look the headmaster directly in the eyes and say, “But this hat’s been dead for forty years.” Run out onto the grounds and roll around in the grass. Later claim insanity.
  5. Shout “Albus Severus Potter was right! The Sorting Hat’s judgement is faulty after being repaired!” Cause minor chaos at Hogwarts.
  6. Line up again for a second go at it.
  7. Just start sleeping on the floor of the common room of the house you want to be a part of.
  8. Ride your patronum across the hall and out the door, never to return.
  9. Take off the hat. Point at it. Say “No. Bad dog. Bad. No treats for you.”
  10. Stand on the Hat’s stool and declare “The Hat has fulfilled its own prophecy: I listened closely to the Sorting Hat’s song this year, and at the end, it whispered ‘And when I get to (insert you name here) I will say (insert House name that Sorting Hat shouted) but I will truly mean (insert the House you wish to belong).’ The song has never been wrong.”
  11. Take off hat, hold it in your hands, ask the hat if it has representation, an agent or manager, because that was the best acting you’ve ever seen.
  12. "Then how do you explain... THIS!" Hike up your shirt to reveal a scar in the shape of a badger on your belly.
  13. After the Sorting Hat announces the house, refuse to get up. Start begging it to change its mind. Cry. Argue. Plead allegiance to the Sorting Hat forever and ever if it will only change its decision.
  14. "But if I am in Ravenclaw, what will I do with this blue and gold bodysuit I had custom made???" Launch into despairing jazz dance.
  15. Hold hat in your hands and stare at it like Hamlet with Yorick's skull in the graveyard. Ask “to sort correctly or not to sort correctly, that is the question.” Cause everyone to fall into an existential crisis. Use this to your advantage.
  16. Leave Hogwarts, go to law school, get a dog and start a family. Forget you ever dreamed of being a wizard.
  17. Just deal. Trust the hat knows how to do its job and that maybe you don’t know everything and maybe your sister’s right and you do have major control issues. Think about going to therapy for your apparent need to manage everyone and everything.

(Source: neondragonxxx)

What would you do if the hat announced the wrong house for you? 

Topics: Life, Entertainment
Tags: harry potter, houses, sorting hat, crisis, what to do when...

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!


About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.