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20 Ways to Act More Professional(ish) at Work

20 Ways to Act More Professional(ish) at Work

By Jason Saenz

Heading back to work? Let's take the yawning prairies of a fresh new year to start acting like model employees—loyal, productive and  professional(ish). Here are some easy tips to make sure you keep your job in time for the office St. Patrick's Day party, at which your leprechaun impression will undoubtedly see you lose it.

  1. Only sleep under your desk on lunch breaks. If you get "the nods" in a meeting, just make sure to keep a "thinking face" on.
  2. Wait two weeks before stealing new office supplies. Start with light-gauge paper products and work your way up to higher-quality stock.
  3. Be on time, even if you have to wear your pajamas. It's still a suit.
  4. Wait until the client is gone before you roll your eyes.
  5. If you are going to miss work call your boss at home no later than 5 a.m. Intersperse your coughing with the screeches of a fax machine.
  6. If you going to microwave fish for  lunch make sure to go up to everyone one and offer them some.
  7. Always fart in the hallway.
  8. Restart our computer first before telling the IT guy to "Are you telling me I don't know xhtml?!"
  9. If you are going to break up with a co-worker you are dating, have them fired instead (as not to make things weird).
  10. When someone brings cookies into the office only have six at first, wait 10 minutes, then finish the rest.
  11. If a caller wants to be transferred, make sure to ask "Aren't I good enough?"
  12. Make sure to remind your boss for that holiday bonuses are coming up, even if it's October.
  13. If your boss is female, make sure to always buffer every compliment about her capabilities with an aside about her looks, for example, "For someone with such shiny hair, I'm surprised you're so good at media analysis, June!"
  14. When replying to an email, always sign off, "Sent from the Boulevard of Broken Dreams."
  15. If the employee bathroom is occupied, go pee pee in a stairwell on the OTHER side of your building.
  16. If you forgot what the security guard's name, never say hello to that person again (so as not to make things weird).
  17. If the coffee machine is dirty, make sure to put a passively aggressive sign to clean it, instead of doing it yourself. Same goes with a coffee spill.
  18. ALWAYS ask how someone's weekend was, then make sure to top their story.
  19. On pay day, ask everyone how much they made, to make sure everything's cool.
  20. Stop calling your boss "dude" and start referring to him as "Big Dude."

Have you had to adjust to a real-person job?

 

Topics: Life, Advice
Tags: etiquette, jobs, careers, first job, professionalism

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About the Author
Jason Saenz

Jason Saenz is a writer in New York City. Follow him on Twitter @JasonSaenz!

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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