Origin Stories for 8 Confusing Articles of Clothing
Shirt. Pants. Ok, fine. Yes. Understood. But some of this other fashion nonsense? Cocoon cardigan? Ponte pants? Wut. How’d they get so fantastical? Did these pants get bitten by a radioactive spider? Did this cardigan go a photo booth, takes its glasses off and come out somehow super?
We didn’t know but (surprise!) now we DO, because we’ve uncovered the origin stories for the the weirdly named styles you maybe love or maybe hate. All shall be revealed below!
A long, long time ago, there was a beautiful princess living in a tower. She had no friends or family, as she’d been banished from her home when she was just an innocent baby because of a terrible troll’s curse. During her long imprisonment, she would sing from her tower window—waiting for a man to come and save her and be her boyfriend. On her 31st birthday, a simple woodsman deep in the forest finally heard her dulcet tones. He was so enchanted, he scaled the tower and carried the princess down without even breaking a sweat. She kissed him, and since it was the kiss of true love, he turned into a pair of jeans that slouched in all the right places and were instantly comfortable. As she danced away, she declared them her “Boyfriend Jeans” and lived happily ever after because she never needed a man after all.
Peter Pan Collar
This collar never, ever wants to grow up. Like, never. It comes into our world from Neverland, which is kind of a bear to get to, but if you wanted to go…it’s the second star to the right and straight on ’til morning. Oh, and you have to be able to fly. This collar can make that happen, with the help of some pixie dust. It also comes with a tiny fairy and a pirate with a hook hand. Wear at your own risk.
Once the most popular dancer in America, Ponte had worked with everyone from Bob Fosse to Rupaul. He was best known for his catchphrase, “Looks like someone’s makin’ tacos!” At the very height of the “Ponte-volution” (People Magazine, 1993), however, Ponte slipped on a patch of ice while strolling around the New York Botanical Gardens with his good friend Aretha Franklin. He tore his hamstring, and when doctors said he’d never dance again, Ponte became a recluse. But, thanks to an eagle-eyed PR exec who happened to move in next door to Ponte’s East Hampton estate, Ponte decided to reinvent himself as Ponte Pants. Yes, he transformed himself into a super-flattering pair of pants. The rest is history!
Years ago, when she was just a tiny, lil’ minidress, she lived on a farm in Kentucky and hated it. Every morning, she had to get up early and muck out the stables and feed the pigs. All 40 people who lived in her town knew everyone else’s business and expected minidress to just marry the first pair of overalls that came her way. But then Cirque du Soleil came to town to do a limited engagement of their popular show Totem. Minidress was mesmerized. And in the middle of the night, as the performers and crew packed up their glittery costumes and hoops and trampolines, she snuck onto the train. They weren’t happy to keep her at first, but she persisted. Finally, they taught her a skill and she became one of them—it was the place she truly belonged. She became Trapeze Dress, and in honor of her following her dreams, she now exists for even non-Cirque performers to wear.
Once an oxymoron, now an actual garment! It was created when a Victoria’s Secret angel put her bra under her pillow and made a wish. When she awoke the next day (her hair still looking lush and beautiful), she reached under her pillow and pulled out the same exact bra! Only now, it would be used as a shirt. The heavens shined down upon her and lo, it was good.
Even though it’s been many years since scientists found several in a remote area of the Amazon rainforest, they’re still not quite sure what women will become when they emerge from the Cocoon Cardigan. But these esteemed researchers are always, always watching, clipboards in hand, to see what being wrapped in cotton and/or wool can do to a woman’s body. It’s a widely held belief that 20 years ago a regular woman entered into a Cocoon Cardigan and emerged as Beyoncé…but more conclusive evidence is needed.
Something NO ONE knew (’til now): the Pointer Sisters, Van Halen, House of Pain, Harry Belafonte, the Brian Setzer Orchestra, the Rolling Stones, Kris Kross, Rihanna, Flo Rida, Madonna, and Simple Plan were were all wearing the SAME ARTICLE OF CLOTHING when they recorded "Jump (For My Love)," "Jump, Jump Around," "Jump in the Line," "Jump, Jive, and Wail," "Jumpin' Jack Flash," "Jump," "Jump," "Jump," "Jump," and "Jump" (respectively). Guess what it was called? A Jumpsuit, hello.
Some people believe the Maxi Dress got its name because it’s the maximum amount of dress one can wear. WRONG. Originally the most extremely daring of all the frocks, this dress came to the public’s attention after winning the X Games multiple times under the stage name MXXXXXI DRIS. She then went on to endorse Mountain Dew Kickstart (an energy drink or “morning soda”). Now that she’s aged out of the skating world, she owns a pro shop in Palo Alto, Cali. She’s “found her chi” as she likes to say, and has become the relaxed, flowy, figure-flattering Maxi Dress that we all know and love today.
What do you think is the most confusing article of clothing?