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52 Bad New Years Resolutions

52 Bad New Years Resolutions

By Erik Bergstrom

  1. This is the year I never take my cape off!
  2. This is the year I put lipstick on my teeth!
  3. This is the year I start more trashcan fires in my car!
  4. This is the year I poop my pants to sleep more!
  5. This is the year I fall in love with myself and never leave the shadows!
  6. This is the year I never finish ANYTHING!
  7. This is the year I sleep all day and cry all night!
  8. This is the year grow more embarrassing back hair!
  9. This is the year I get that cool trendy bowl hair cut!
  10.  This is the year I fall asleep in a gutter!
  11.  This is the year I take up smoking cigars at the daycare!
  12.  This is the year I brood more about nothing!
  13.  This is the year I move into a dog kennel!
  14.  This is the year I eat 20 hotdogs a day and ignore my body telling me to stop!
  15.  This is the year I stop washing my hands! Period!
  16.  This is the year I move into the park and wear a bucket on my head!
  17.  This is the year I run with scissors until I poke my stupid eyes out!
  18.  This is the year I break all the mirrors!
  19.  This is the year I start saving my farts in jars!
  20.  This is the year I taking up miming. In the nude!
  21.  This is the year I never sleep and scream about the spiders under my skin!
  22.  This is the year I prove love isn’t real!
  23.  This is the year I alienate my family!
  24.  This is the year I become a shady drifter!
  25.  This is the year I stop telling people the truth! Or will I!?
  26.  This is the year I learn karate! For evil!
  27.  This is the year I somersault into a camp fire!
  28.  This is the year I tell everyone my name is “Poops McGee!”
  29.  This is the year I learn the true meaning of hate.
  30.  This is the year I have more regrets!
  31.  This is the year that animals no longer can stand my presence!
  32.  This is the year I only speak as Jar Jar Binks!
  33.  This is the year I never challenge myself!
  34.  This is the year I break my ankle!
  35.  This is the year I get abducted by aliens! Mean ones!
  36.  This is the year I throw up in your mail box!
  37.  This is the year I destroy Easter!
  38.  This is the year I stop brushing my hair! And teeth!
  39.  This is the year I fight a bear! A real angry one!
  40.  This is the year I rob a bank!
  41.  This is the year I stop bathing!
  42.  This is the year I stop exercising! My right to vote!
  43. This is the year I give up hope that I’ll ever be happy!
  44.  This is the year I let things I can’t control get to me! Like the weather and people mispronouncing “gyro!”
  45.  This is the year I get stung by more bees than any of you!
  46.  This is the year I lose all of my friends!
  47.  This is the year I teach my dog to bite innocent children!
  48.  This is the year I ignore traffic safety!
  49.  This is the year I poop the alphabet!
  50.  This is the year I laminate my hand!
  51.  This is the year I get scurvy!
  52.  This is the year I pee on every lawn on my block!

 

Topics: Life
Tags: lists, funny, goals, new years resolutions, don't do this

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About the Author
Erik Bergstrom

Erik Bergstrom is a comedian and illustrator who lives in New York City. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Time Out New York, on VH1, Buzzfeed.com, boingboing.net, and as a blogger for Comedy Central's Indecison 2012. His book Grimmer Tales has been released Penguin Books.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.