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Horrible Things to Say on New Year's Eve at Midnight

Horrible Things to Say on New Year's Eve at Midnight

By Erik Bergstrom

You have been warned.

  1. "It’s time. Release the hounds!"
  2. "Happy 2012!"
  3. "Everyone back, the transformation has begun! Hisssssss. HISSSSSS!"
  4. "I don’t fear you 2014. I will destroy you!"
  5. "2014... finally, the future... where smiles are illegal."
  6. "2014, the year of the horse. I will be the horse king."
  7. "Happy New Year! Uppercuts for everyone!"
  8. "2014... my evil twin will be awakening from hibernation now."
  9. "Looking good, jerks!!!"
  10.  "Whoops, I peed my pants. And yours. Happy New Years!"
  11.  "It’s midnight, did I remember to feed the gremlins...?"
  12.  "2014 will last forever! Let’s all get tattoos!"
  13.  "Watch out butt heads, I’m the mayor of 2014!"
  14.  "Today’s newspaper will say 'January 1st, 2014.' I will roll it up and hit you all with it. In the face!"
  15.  "Burn in hell, 2013!!!"
  16.  "BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
  17.  "My butt itches! Hurray!"
  18.  "Kiss me, I have mono!"
  19.  "Happy New Years, voices in my head!"
  20.  "Everything is sad and life has no point."
  21.  "All that matter are pizza bagels. You are all poop."
  22.  "Germs. Germs everywhere. Throw away your hands!"
  23.  "Are you ticklish? I shall see, by kicking you."
  24.  "We’re going to have a party like it’s 1999."
  25.  "I didn’t wash my hands. Let’s shake on it."
  26.  "Thank goodness that year is over. It was watching me."
  27.  "I’m going to sleep in a car trunk. For fun!"
  28.  "I’ll never know true love!!!"
  29.  "Now I will yawn. And a swarm of bees will emerge. Prepare."
  30.  "You’re not so tough, 2014! 2015 will chew your face off! Any second now... hold on... alright... give it time..."
  31.  "2014. Finally, an even number. I can stop washing my hands 2013 times a day. And start washing my hands 2014 times a day."

What will you yell at midnight?!

Topics: Life
Tags: new year's eve, partying, bad advice, celebration, things to yell

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About the Author
Erik Bergstrom

Erik Bergstrom is a comedian and illustrator who lives in New York City. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Time Out New York, on VH1, Buzzfeed.com, boingboing.net, and as a blogger for Comedy Central's Indecison 2012. His book Grimmer Tales has been released Penguin Books.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.