The Best of Chelsea Dagger's 2013
"The Dagger," as she is known to her Shakespearean friends, is a force of nature at SparkLife, be it sweating onto a Hemsworth, preparing to punch Donald Sutherland for the love of her life Jennifer Lawrence, or blowing the ancient Swiss butt horn from the top of Mount Spark.
Best Song of 2013
Catchphrase I Couldn’t Stop Saying This Year
Same as every other year: "BUTTS." I also can't stop saying "brah." I say it at least 78 times a day, especially whilst attempting to flirt with attractive gentlemen (as in: "Yo brah, how's about you and me hit up that classy Starbucks joint for some super-choice cake balls?" Obviously, these attempts go awry for a lot of reasons.)
Most Surprising Thing in 2013
That Ryan Gosling has not yet responded to my email marriage proposal. COME ON, RYAN. LIKE IT TAKES THAT LONG TO TYPE "YES I WILL MARRY YOU."
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who coincidentally is also my real-life boyfriend.
Jennifer Lawrence. She and her Altoids are the light of my life.
New Food That Won My Stomach
Did you know they're putting EGGS on top CHEESEBURGERS now?! So those, definitely. I also invented a dessert called "the Chelsea Scramble," which consists of me smashing a bunch of Oreos and then pouring them into a can of icing. BOOM. CONSIDER YO'SELF SCRAMBLED.
Estimated increase in time spent on internet
A billionty minutes. (I blame Pinterest. My boards are MASTERPIECES.)
Estimated Years Until We Have Flying Cars
-7 (I already own one, I just don't like to brag about it).
What I learned from SparkLife
That Sparklers are the most awesome, hilarious, brilliant, and kind-hearted folks on the internet. I LOVE YOU BUTTS, BRAH.
My #1 Holiday Gift Wish
Two words: CUPCAKE. CAR.
Whose hair I wanted this year
Sparkitor Janet Manley's. And I shall have it if it costs me my life. I'M COMIN' FOR YA, MANLEY.
THIS ONE because my dear friend Dennis is in it and she is pulling off that bandana like GANGBUSTERS.
Least Favorite Selfie That I Still Have for Some Reason
THIS ONE because my haircut looks RIDICULOUS.
Best Thing That Happened to Me
I got to spend loads of time with my spectacular family and amazing friends, and they make me the happiest person in the world. Also I wore a bathing suit for the first time in approximately 18 years and IT WENT PRETTY WELL!
Most Embarrassing Moment
When I accidentally sent my crush a text that I meant to send to my best friend, which read: "DUDE, BEN GOODSON IS SUCH A DREAMBOAT HOW DO I MAKE HIM LURVE ME?!?" Ben Goodson unfortunately did not buy my explanation that I was "talking about a different Ben Goodson."
Favorite SparkLife Post I Wrote
My Prom Hair Updo Guide vlog, which I didn't write so much as film, but SEMANTICS. This cinematic gem wins my top spot because 1: my patrician forehead gets a lot of airtime, 2: I make several memorable Harry Potter jokes, and 3: my hair looks BANANAS-good, which is a rare occurrence and therefore must be celebrated at every possible opportunity.
Favorite SparkLife Post I Read
Anything by Mr. Daniel Albus Johnny Haircut Bergstein, Esquire, plus this great post by Elodie, who will one day probably win a Pulitzer, and this great post by Josh Sorokach, who will one day probably be punched in the throat by an irate Justin Bieber fan.
Favorite Piece of Clothing/Accessory
I splurged on THIS DRESS from Anthropologie and I'm all kinds of obsessed with it.
Favorite Movie of 2013
Catching Fire, Kings of Summer, The Way, Way Back, Captain Phillips, and Remember the Titans, which is the greatest movie of this or any year.
Favorite Baby Names
Hambone, Thelonious, and Gandalf—they're all so versatile and understated. (OH MAN, I'M HILARIOUS.)
Favorite Internet Slang
I have a deep and abiding hatred for all internet slang. In fact, I shall award 20 gabillion Dagger Points to any Sparkler able to construct a working time machine, travel back in time, and somehow stop the coining and consequent ubiquitousness of "LOL." (*Note: 20 gabillion Dagger Points are equal to roughly 9 Schrute Bucks, which are equal to 17.3 Galleons, which are equal to .0054 US dollars. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! THAT TIME MACHINE ISN'T GOING TO BUILD ITSELF!)