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How To Tell The Temperature Without A Thermometer

How To Tell The Temperature Without A Thermometer

By Danielle Kraese

Winter is the perfect time to pick up a new skill—you can learn how to knit ugly holiday sweaters, build an igloo with your bare hands, or create a life-size sculpture of two giraffes giving each other a bath. But all of these incredible talents require hours of time and practice. That’s why we’re going to show you a quick and effortless way to turn yourself into a human thermometer. If you can commit this handy guide to memory, you'll always know what temperature it is outside!

32 degrees: Your nose is starting to get runny.

21 degrees: You’ve developed a rattling cough that sounds exactly like the baseline to “Ice, Ice Baby.

16 degrees: Your runny nose has become an ice goatee.

12 degrees: When you try to get your dog to go outside and do his doggie business, he laughs at you.

0 degrees: You spot a flock of penguins flying overhead (which means you're so cold that you’ve begun to hallucinate…penguins can’t fly).

-4 degrees: A group of fun-loving killer whales have started a game of “Marco Polo” in your pool.

-13 degrees: Your body has evolved to produce a thick coat of full-body fur, causing bears passing by to mistake you for their friends.

-18 degrees: Your parents have lost the ability to think rationally, and they try to convince you that the safest place to be is inside the kitchen oven.

-25 degrees: You’ve also lost the ability to think rationally, so you tell your parents you think that sounds like a great idea!

-28 degrees: You spot a flock of penguins running to catch the bus (which means you are so cold that your hallucinations are getting even more outrageous…penguins don’t take the bus! They ride in limos, because they’re classy).

-32 degrees: Mail carriers have begun angry riots and are burning sacks of letters to keep warm.

-37 degrees: When you try to turn on your computer, the screen just displays the word “NO.”

-48 degrees: Everyone has become fatally frozen with the exception of the penguins, who throw on their best suits and pay their respects to the rest of the planet, because even in the face of an ice age, those birds are all about class.

How do you deal in the face of horrible cold?

Topics: Life
Tags: winter, ridiculous things, funny things, penguins, cold weather, brrr

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About the Author
Danielle Kraese

Danielle writes, performs improv, and loiters in Starbucks locations in and around New York City. When she grows up, she wants to be an author or an elephant whisperer. Or maybe both. Follow her on Twitter @DanielleKraese.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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