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So, You're in Love With a Robot

So, You're in Love With a Robot

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

So, you’re in love with a robot. No matter how many times your mom warned you to stay away, you couldn’t resist this particular attractive loner. He’s different from other robots you tried to rationalize, but it doesn’t matter, it’s already too late, you’ve got it bad. Well, we understand—we’d be lying if we said we hadn't had our hearts broken a few times by robots. Luckily, we learned a few things and we want to share our wisdom with the new generation. Here are the need-to-know subjects when it comes to LAR (Loving A Robot).

1. Anti-Authority: He doesn’t do what he’s told and you (and the rest of the world) are just going to have to accept that. Robots laugh in the face of establishment and break all the rules.

2. Oil: You need to remember to bring a small can of oil with you at all times. You never know when your robot will need a joint lubricated or a full out oil-change.

3. Skipping School: A behavior that goes hand in hand with #1. Unfortunately your dark and stormy robot just doesn’t have the time or patience to sit in a classroom and be lectured by The Man. If he does show up, you know he’s sitting in the back and leaving abruptly halfway through. After all, he’s just there to see if you want to skip and go for a ride, which brings us to…

4. His Vintage Motorcycle: This is the most important thing in his life. He rebuilt it himself and spends hours fine-tuning and polishing all the intricate little parts. Treat this item with respect; it’s any true robot's Achilles heel. He couldn’t care less if you insult him, but bad mouth his motorcycle and he’ll react like any hurt robot does: with anger and pride.

5. Energy: It’s one of the most important characteristics of being a robot. There must be a sufficient source of energy (electric, battery, or solar power) so that he can power himself on his own. This is crucial for date night.

6. His Leather Jacket: It fits him perfectly and never looks silly.

7. Looking for Fun: Robots live in the moment. They’re not thinking about long-term consequences because only non-robots die young.

8. Interaction: A real robot is able to interact with things in the physical world. Your robot crush needs to be able to process information about his environment and deal with stimulus appropriately. If he doesn't have the inherent ability to interact, he may be a machine. Don’t make this mistake! We once were in love with a toaster for six months before we realized it wasn’t a robot.

9. Courage: Robots are brave, and it’s hot. ‘Nuff said.

10. Smoking: Ugg, why do so many handsome robots smoke cigarettes? It’s so gross. We’ve seen a strict decline in robot-smoking over the years and we hope it keeps going that way. After all who wants to kiss a metal ashtray? Nobody, that’s who. ALSO, it’s very important you don’t smoke. As much as a robot likes to smoke, they want a girl who is smoke-free. They see girls who smoke as humans just trying to be robots, and they’re all IF I WANTED THAT I’D JUST DATE ANOTHER ROBOT BUT I DON’T I WANT YOUUUUUUUU.

11. Intelligence: Look, your robot must have “smarts,” it’s a top characteristic of a robot. Ultimately, it is up to the programmer to “give” your robot an intelligence so he knows what/how/why/and where to do all the things he needs to do. If your robot doesn’t have intelligence, he might be a machine. (See #8)

12. Basic Manners: They don’t have them. They are going to be foul-mouthed and perpetually late. It goes hand in hand with being a tortured sensitive robot. Also, he’ll say exactly what’s on his mind. Always. This can be a great relief or wildly inappropriate. You’ve been warned.

13. Pride: No matter how “dark” and possibly “sad” of a background he has, a robot is proud of who/what he is.

14. Movement: Big deal. A robot must be able to move around in his surroundings. This is a basic characteristic of a robot and can be done in a myriad of ways. Wheels, jet thrusters, claw propellers, etc. If your robot doesn’t move, he might be a machine. (See #8 and #11)

15. Black: Robots wear a lot of black. Except for their beloved blue Levis. Can you blame them? They look soooo good in their black tees and blue jeans. Swoon city.

What do you do when a robot's metallic chassis lights a fire in your soul?

Topics: Life
Tags: relationships, dating, robots, rebels, bad advice, lar

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.