A Month-by-Month Guide to Your Freshman Year of College: December
Hey! Over here! Remember me? I’m your ever-present trusty guide, only right now I’m wrapped in a blanket like a burrito because it’s December and it’s cold as nuts. I still command a certain amount of authority, though, right? I can still give advice and lead armies while wearing three pairs of reindeer socks, can’t I? (In the interest of full disclosure, the socks have 3-D antlers.)
WE’RE IN THE HOMESTRETCH, PEOPLE. CUE THE HOMESTRETCH MUSIC. I don’t know what that would sound like, but probably a mixture of the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and Titanium. I’m guessing you’re slowly suffocating under the crushing weight of finals and research papers and all things stressful. Here, do yourself a favor—search "college Christmas trees" on Google images. You’re going to find trees in dorms made out of books, beer bottles, and traffic cones. Now, didn’t that help a little bit? Not really? Well, I know THIS will make your spirits soar: I hereby decree clarinets-are-awesome the winner of last month’s challenge, so, as promised, here is your congratulatory haiku. BUCKLE UP, EVERYBODY.
I’m bad at haikus
Everything is happening
I can’t find my hat
Nope, didn’t steal that gem from anybody. I penned it myself, and I meant every word. Now, take a deep breath, and let’s do a little Q and A.
What’s happening to me?
Lots of things. Overwhelming anxiety, for a start. Probably stress dreams. Here, have a cookie. Stress eating is an ugly phase, but a delicious one.
How do I get through this?
Valiantly, like a chivalrous knight of the Middle Ages. Realistically, you have some options: either a) hunker down in the library and get to studying, or b) panic because you have so much to do, realize you actually have too much to do, and compromise by not doing any of it.
That sounds really accurate, actually. I think I’ll go with that.
I thought you might.
I could pack my bags, disappear into the dead of night, and never look back. What’s stopping me?
Only the fact that I don’t write haikus for QUITTERS, so you’re going to have to un-read that. Plus, if you hobo out now, you’re going to miss some of the awesome things that the end of the semester has to offer! Things like…
- Everyone suddenly showing up to class. This isn’t so much awesome as it is slightly funny. Exam day will come around and suddenly your lecture hall will be crammed with people you’ve never even seen before.
- Making friends just as the semester’s ending. Okay, granted, this one’s not so awesome either, but it is so weird and it is like CLOCKWORK. The end of the semester is when you meet the girl who’s obsessed with the same TV show as you. It's when you meet the cute guy who shares your major and looks about twelve different kinds of adorable in his Christmas sweater. But it’s too late to establish any sort of baseline for a lasting relationship, so the best you can do is add them on Facebook and hope you run into each other sometime in the next three years. Hm. That one wound up being kind of a downer. I swear, guys, there are GOOD THINGS about the end of the semester, like the greatest of them all...
- WINTER BREAK. WINTER BREAK IS GLORIOUS. Winter break is fantastic and pleasantly surprising, like finding money in your coat pocket. Suddenly you’re home, and your dog is happy to see you, and you have like a month of school-free leisure time during which you don’t have to pretend that you give a crap about Kafka and Ohm’s Law. You won’t even realize how amazing is until you’re basking in it. Trust me, it’s worth pushing for.
YOU CAN DO THIS. You’re in the homestretch! You’re facing the the final boss! You’ve essentially made it to the Bowser of your first semester of college. (Your princess, unfortunately, is in another castle. But let’s save that for January.) Think cute winter boots! Think Pillsbury Christmas cookies! Think about how much effort I actually had to exert while writing that haiku! I mean, it was really pathetic. And even I’m probably going to make it out of this whole thing alive, so I’m sure you will too, striding triumphantly out of the dorms on that final day in a burst of brilliant sunlight to the tune of some homestretch music. (I will henceforth be trying to make this a thing, so stay tuned.)
Are you slowly being crushed to death beneath the weight of finals and stress and Christmas trees made from traffic cones? WELL DON'T QUIT. HANG IN THERE, Sparkfroshies. You're so close to winter break!