How to Make Room in Your Stomach When You Eat Too Much Turkey
There is something so wonderful about a holiday created to make us all more aware and grateful of the things we have, and something even more special about the fact that we've turned it into a day of nonstop eating and intermittent napping. We get so excited about this day that we invite other people over to our houses to eat and nap with us! All of this is fantastic and decadent and life-affirming, and we could probably do it forever, if only we had the kind of freakishly expanding tummy that winners of hot dog eating contests possess. At a typical Thanksgiving, there's that super awks moment when you realize you have T-minus 4 seconds to unbutton your pants or you're going to pass out and die. But this can't happen! Right now, there is still stuffing on your plate! You want to mix it with the cranberry sauce and shovel it down, but you need to uphold some sort of decorum at the table! Here's how to make more room in your pants after eating too much, how to forgo pants in pursuit of a more stuffed Thanksgiving.
Wear a giant sweater so you can undo a button (or three) and a zipper and hide the supervolcano beneath some billowy knitting. Possible problems occur when you need to get up and walk to a private area to pry yourself back into the pants.
Make a pair of culottes out of table napkins. You have to put one in your lap anyway, just keep grabbing them and tie together for festive and forgiving skirt-shorts.
Spill the dish of cranberry sauce all over you so you have the chance to leave and change into your bathrobe while your clothes "soak."
Maternity pants. Could make for some awkward table conversation but the point is that you'll feel comfortable to eat as much as you like. Talk about confidence pants!
Wear a bed sheet! But wrap it around you in a very elegant and ceremonial toga-like way.
Wear no pants. Hey, everyone's family is different—no judgements.
Moomoos! Have a cat-lady themed party where everyone can wear moomoos and feel free and wild under their garments.
Start by eating larger-chunk food items (turkey), and working your way down to small-gauge food items (carrots), and eventually liquids (cider), which will find room to sit in the gaps between the food in your stomach. PHYSICS.
Breathe shallow, sparrow breaths.
Mind over food. There is no spoon. There is only more stuffing that can be willed into your stomach through meditation.
Lay down on the floor flat on your back and fall asleep. This is the best way to get you to stop eating and simultaneously ease the strain you're putting on your pants button.
How are you going, Sparklers?