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12 Things Your Thanksgiving Must Have if You LOVE 'MERICA and Wanna Assimilate!!!!

12 Things Your Thanksgiving Must Have if You LOVE 'MERICA and Wanna Assimilate!!!!

Gobble gobble! That's the sound the friendly turkey makes before we chase it down, wrestle it to the ground, bag it up, and make a ritual out of its untimely demise whilst enjoying some crispy skin. That's Thanksgiving in a nutshell for those of you who don't hold U.S. passports.

Oh wait, you want the long version? You wanna get all up in the real, true breakdown of the holiday so you can make it your own? Cool! Welcome to the table! Read on, friends, and enjoy your piping hot freedom feast.

1) Turkey.
Turkey is the reason for the season. Don't let anyone tell you differently. And in this country, we put all the nation's turkeys into an arena and watch patiently as they fight to the death so we can eat them. Then, we clasp our hands around the table and congratulate ourselves for being human. Victory tastes delicious. Accept no substitutes. Bonus "Amurica" points if you flash fry the whole bird.

2) A relative who insists we all go around the table and say what we're thankful for
Maybe it's your aunt who used to be a nun. Maybe it's your cousin who just got out of rehab. Maybe it's your mom who "just wants everyone to have a nice day." But someone at the table is required to halt the shoving of the food into the gaping gullets and make everyone talk about what they're thankful for. Be prepared and—so help us all—be succinct, or we'll bite off your hand.

3) The fixins'.
This differs for every family, which is why America is a beautiful tapestry!
• "Classic" sides the pilgrims definitely had: Mashed potatoes, gravy (see 3b), sweet potatoes (see 3a), string beans, corn, cranberries, carrots, stuffing.
• "Nontraditional" sides your grandma would be suspicious of if she knew other people were eating them: Rice, ham, soups, lentil-based dishes, anything tofu-related, Twinkies.
Thanksgiving is basically like Oprah's Favorite Things show. You get a side! You get a side! EVERYONE GETS A SIIIIDE! (And then we all drive home in new cars).

3a) Something smothered with marshmallows.
Yams, sweet potatoes, garbage—there better be melty, toasty marshmallows on top of that jazz or don't even think about bringing it to the hungry wolves at your table. We'd like to also propose we top our mashed potatoes with Cap 'n' Crunch and fry our string beans just like the esteemed culinary masters at Applebees do. Why not?! This is our holiday, don't tell us what to do.

3b) Gravy—gravy as far as the eye can see!
Bet you thought we smothered everything in nacho cheese, per usual?!? WRONG! Gravy! And no, we don't mean the red spaghetti sauce some of you Eye-talians might be familiar with. We mean savory brown gravy poured over your entire plate and maybe directly into your mouth. How do you make this glorious meal topper? Well, this is the one chance you'll ever have in your life to become a witch (unless you actually are a witch, and if so, good for you!). Grab a turkey neck and some gizzards and, I don't know, put it in your cauldron or whatever. Chant a few words and it turns brown and delicious.*
*Not a recipe.

4) Feather headdresses, um I mean, an offensive characterization of Native Americans, um I mean, maize, um I mean, pretending we didn't do anything wrong ever
If you wanna act like an real American, you have to casually gloss over all our historical flaws and horrible decisions. It's not pretty but it must be done. Oh look, a parade!

5) Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Love it or hate it, you have to watch it. No really, you WILL watch it—you basically have no choice. We're all contractually obligated to look at giant, floating Snoopy balloons and then go buy one million pairs of shoes!

6) A cornucopia.
Is it a decoration? An instrument? The mark of the Beast? It could be all three, which is a true Thanksgiving miracle. But to the masses, the cornucopia is a horn-shaped… thing… in which you place whole apples, gourds and amber waves of grain. It is used as a centerpiece until everyone gets mad that there's no place to put the cranberries and moves it. No, you don't eat it. Not everything about Thanksgiving is a food-in-mouth fest, yo.
Actually, you know what? Go ahead and eat it if you want. This is a democracy.

7) A pageant.
Pageants are designed to theatrically celebrate the day the Pilgrims almost starved, but then a bunch of Native Americans gave them fuds and maize and then they all broke bread as friends and then we stole all their lands. No backsies.
If you'd like to know what a true Thanksgiving pageant looks like, please refer to this YouTube clip.

8) Pilgrim shoes and hats.
Silver buckles or GEDDOUD.

9) Football.
NO, NOT "YOUR" FOOTBALL with all the kicking and the running and the tiny shorts. We like our sports heavy on the violence and the padding. We watch whilst we gestate our little food babies.

10) Pie.
Hot, gelatinous fruit packed into a flaky crust—well, you just won the jackpot. Apple, blueberry, cherry… the world is your oyster. You could also do pumpkin. Look, the only thing you really must know is that you have to keep eating and eating and eating and eating and eating and eating until you die or vom. This is the American way and if you wanna be like us, get on board.

11) Not the metric system!
Whatever it is that's not the metric system… that's what we use to measure our recipes. So don't even look at us with "kilometers" and "liters." Myanmar (Burma?) and Liberia—holla if you hear me.

12) BONUS!
Gazing upon a picture of a bald eagle wearing an American-flag tank top and driving a monster truck while blasting Kid Rock and guzzling our 200 oz. Mountain Dew slurpees.
This is a non-negotiable Thanksgiving tradition. Or everyday tradition. You decide! Let freedom ring.

Have you had a Thanksgiving meal? Have you had a million?

Topics: Life
Tags: thanksgiving, education, america, turkeys, eating too much, american customs, foreign relations, let me teach you the ways, yams, cranberry sauce

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Chrissie Gruebel

Chrissie Gruebel is a bunch of things separated by commas, but more often than not, she’s a writer, comedian, and wearer of too many colors at once. Here she is on Twitter: @chrissiegruebel.

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