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34 Things to Say Instead of "Literally"

34 Things to Say Instead of

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

1. I matter of factly died of embarrassment this morning.

2. He is Liberace the worst.
3. And I was all “You’re letter by letter the best boyfriend ever!”
4. I told her that she liquidity does not know me.
5. (Pretend you’re a dinosaur: take big elaborate steps, pull your arms tight against your chest and hum the theme song to Jurassic Park. They’ll get it.)
6. OMG my phone is sweet cicely blowing up with texts right now!
7. Liberally, it’s the easiest class in the universe.
8. Yes! She is literatim the funniest person ever created!
9. Ug he’s liquidation a stage five creeper.
10. (Just make a bird noise.)
11. Of course the day I forget my umbrella it felicity rains cats and dogs.
12. It was not figuratively the craziest YouTube vid I’ve ever seen!
13. Allison’s new boyfriend is nativity the hottest guy in town.
14. You are (hum the national anthem) the coolest girl in school.
15. And I was like “Am I with truth to the letter always going to be alone?”
16. (Scream: I DO WHAT I WANT. Then run into the sunset.)
17. You’re veritably the best friend a girl could ever have.
18. I mobility have nothing to wear tonight.
19. This is affinity the longest line of all time.
20. He is Italy the ultimate lab partner.
21. (Silence)
22. I willowy have no idea what you’re talking about.
23. This dress is infinity the coolest thing that’s ever been made.
24. He is Tiffany an evil villain! Giving me a C- on the exam! (WARNING: be careful with this one, and make sure there is no one named Tiffany around. Also, on that note, with #13 make sure you are not near a nativity scene. People will be confused.)
25. My English class is unerringly the hardest thing I’ll ever do in this life.
26. I litany have zero money.
27. I’ve frreal read every book at Barnes and Noble.
28. This is proclivity the coldest winter in the history of humanity.
29. (Flap your arms up and down and say “Mommy, where’s my tea? Mommy?”)
30. This blizzard is for surely lasting all year!
31. I growth industry can’t talk right now!
32. He asymmetry calls me non-stop.
33. And she was all, “You epiphany need to unplug yourself from Facebook.”
34. (Pretend to be taking a nap, right before they walk away, jump up and say in your best 1920s-prohibition-era-gangster voice: “You thought you caught be sleeping on the job, huh copper? Little do you know, I never sleep.” Limp away with pride.)

Is this list for reality the best?

Topics: Life
Tags: language, lists, how tos, english skills, literally the worst, your parents would be proud

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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