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Wanna Know How I Got This Scar?

Wanna Know How I Got This Scar?

By Abbey Clarke

If you’re anything like us, you have scars, and most of them are probably from pretty lame things. But if you’ve got some nosy parker asking you what caused all of your post-natal beauty marks, it’s fun to spin them a yarn. We’ve put together some of our favorite fake scar stories here for your use and enjoyment.

Got a scar next to your eye from falling on your face as a baby?

Say modestly, “I tripped and fell because I was running too fast to our local orphanage. Since I was carrying four bags of new toys and highly fashionable hand-me-downs, I couldn’t use my arms to break my fall.”

Got a scar on your knee from falling off a scooter when you were 9?

Say thoughtfully, “I used to be the greatest seventh-division child archer in Oregon, but then I took an arrow in the knee, so now I watch Arrow all day and yell at the screen when they do stuff wrong.”

Got a scar on your hand from making a too-dramatic hand gesture while memorizing your lines?

Say emphatically, “He jests at scars that never felt a wound! But I hath felt the wound of love, bled the blood of passion, and shed the tears of joy that transcendeth words. More vagrant I, this unfading mark upon my hand doth be from the arrow of Cupid; I feel its sting from dawn’s first blush to evening’s last gasp. Ah, love!”

Got a scar on your elbow from slipping on ice or molasses?

Say casually, “Oh, man! This must be from that extra credit assignment where I performed an original ballet piece underwater in a shark cage and one of the stingrays messed up the choreography. Mr. Wallace really makes you work for that A!”

Got a scar on the bottom of your foot from wart removal?

Say nonchalantly, “Oh, this? That must be from when I was in the Bahamas and walked over hot coals in a trance. Never do hookah with strangers, kids!”

Got a scar on your behind from butt acne?

Say grimly, “Shrapnel. From the Time War.” Then tell them to stop checking out your butt, unless of course you WANT them to be checking out your butt, in which case you should definitely drop more Doctor Who references to figure out if he/she is The One.

Got a scar on your shoulder from a bug bite that you couldn’t stop scratching?

Say mysteriously, “Don’t tell anyone, but last summer I was recruited into a secret government program. I can’t get into details, but they implanted tracking chips into our arms. So when the program went horribly wrong, I had to dig the chip out of me with nothing but a sharp rock. How was your summer?”

What’s your favorite scar story?

Topics: Life, Advice
Tags: excuses, advice, funny things, silly things, scars, good ideas, explanations

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About the Author
Abbey Clarke

Abbey Clarke is a writer and editorial assistant living in Jersey City. She's a player on a D&D podcast called Knife Errant, wrote her senior thesis on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and is working on a novel about a semi-reformed demon who runs a library. You can follow her on Twitter at @abbeybookaholic.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.