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In Honor of SparkLife Confession Day, A Confession

In Honor of SparkLife Confession Day, A Confession

By Bo Larkin

Did you hate the jumpsuit we bought you for your birthday? Are YOU the one who ate the last Pop-Tart, then put the box back in the cabinet like nothing happened? Do you secretly think our new dance move is lame? If so, then how dare you this is the day for you: Happy National SparkLife Confession Day!

In honor of this brand-new, totally amazing holiday, we welcome any and all of your semi-anonymous confessions! To get the ball rolling, here are a few of our own:

I confess. I took two mints from the complimentary mint dish at the Chinese restaurant. It wasn’t my fault, though. I have what is known as Candylove Disorder. Thank you to everyone for their support during the Halloween season, a historically difficult time for me. One day we will beat this together, one refused Snickers bar at a time. One. Delicious. Snickers. Baaaaaaaaa…

I confess. You know that time you accidentally left your locker open, and you later discovered your lunch was missing? I took it. It wasn’t my fault, though. That big bully made me do it because I didn’t have his usual lunch money, and I’m wondering, if this is actually reaching the outside world—can someone please release me from my locker? It’s the third one to the left of Mrs. Waitz’s class.

I confess. Your neighbor who sings loudly in the shower at odd hours? That's me. It’s not my fault, though. Your hours are in fact the odd ones. All you “normals” out there eating your “human lunches” at noon when I’m trying to focus on sleeping in my coffi—er, bed, do you know how distracting it is to hear all you delicious, I mean delightful people casually eating sandwiches just out of my reach, when I, a perfectly upstanding citizen of Earth, shrouded in darkness, am unable to join you in your dining?

I confess. I’ve never seen Twilight. It’s not my fault, though. Another confession: I am, in fact, a vampire, and am therefore offended by Hollywood’s exploitation of the undead. Not to mention, not a single vampire was cast in that movie. Hey, humans of Hollywood, I wrote a screenplay! It’s called Dawn, and you can't be in it.

I confess. I'm not just a vampire. I'm an alien vampire with mad ninja skills. And I’m currently enrolled at Hogwarts, so add wizard to all that in about six more months. It’s not my fault, though. It’s just how I roll.

I confess. The zombie apocalypse that will be starting in just...about...now is in fact an alien zombie vampire apocalypse. And, well, I'm entirely to blame. Once my vampire elders learned about my further education at Hogwarts (and the three stars I got on level 70 of Candy Crush), it was a no-brainer as to who would become leader of New Earth.

What do you have to confess?

Topics: Life
Tags: holidays, vampires, confessions, ridiculous things, bad ideas, weird holidays

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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