Bad Places to Put Your Hands During a Makeout
Making out is fun. We know this. You know this. Tribes in remote regions of the universe know this. But when you're slurping other people's faces, you have to take a little bit of responsibility for your phalanges. Don't let your hands wander into anything that Indiana Jones couldn't get himself out of. Here are the worst places to put your hands during a makeout.
In the air, like you just don't care
We can't deny the electricity we feel when we finally get the opportunity to mash tongues with that certain someone. It's important to keep it together, though, and stay cool. In life, there are plenty of chances to throw your hands in the air, but this is not one of them.
In an electric fan
It's tempting, and we all succumb to the urge to stick your hands into the whirring blades of a rotor, but this is NOT THE TIME. Anything that makes you shriek directly into the mouth of a crush is on the contraband list. (A secondary reason to keep away from fans is to avoid exacerbating the nation's chronic rotor-blade-mutilated hands problem that is clogging up the ER.)
Up a nose
Don't do this. Noses are for breathing, piercing, and stealing, not exploring during a makeout. Rumor has it, Shakespeare's first draft of "Romeo and Juliet" included a scene where Romeo rammed his finger up the nose of his beloved ("your lips, two blushing pilgrims / your nose, a tempting finger-sized crevice"), but this did not play well during the preview season at the Globe.
In a bowl of honey
This could cause some serious makeout problems. Swarms of flies will buzz around you, completely ruining the moment. Bears will show up and eat you. There will be a heartbreaking lack of peanut butter. This is not how a makeout session should go down.
On a hot stove
Practice responsible making out far away from hot kitchen appliances, lest you spend the rest of your life holding hands through your medical oven mittens.
In a hornet's nest
This is very dangerous for one obvious reason: you're putting innocent hornets at risk. One minute, they're kickin' back in their nest, having a soda, minding their own business, and then BLAM! Some weirdo in a Jack Skellington shirt is getting slobber all in their living room.
Across the time-space continuum
Very tricky to avoid this considering you might not know much about astrophysics. Do your best and if your hands end up in the year 1833, just roll with it, y'know?
In the fridge to make a sandwich
Nothing would be more insulting to your partner than if they were to look up and see you slathering mustard across a salami sandwich. Focus on your partner and have a snack afterward. Making out requires a lot of energy—really, it's like 2 energy stars efficient.
On the button that activates the alpaca army destined to begin the Alpacapocalypse
Keep your hands off this button when making out. Humanity depends on it.
On a photo of Tom Hiddlesworth in character as Loki
We know you love him, but FOCUS.
In your partners mouth
This means you are doing it wrong.
Where to put your hands??!!