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Our Weirdest Eating Habits (What's Yours?)

Our Weirdest Eating Habits (What's Yours?)

By Melissa Albert

There's how we think we should eat (lean protein, vegetables, fruit for dessert), how we actually eat (dinner roooolls, peanut butter from the jar), and how we actually eat when nobody is around to see us (ruh-roh).

To prove our hypothesis that everyone becomes a complete Nutella-snarfing disaster the minute they're alone, we asked the Sparkitors and Sploggers to share their weirdest solo eating habits. We have a feeling they actually do a lot worse than this:

Melissa Albert: If there are two things that upset me, it's warm milk and soggy cereal. Therefore, I eat cereal like a madman. First, I put two ice cubes in my bowl. Then, I fill the bowl almost to the top with milk. Then, I shake on just a little bit of cereal, and shovel it down in a panic before it can get soft. Once it's gone, I shake in another little bit of cereal to eat, and so on. This ensures icy cold milk, perfectly crisp cereal, and nobody wanting to eat breakfast with me.

Janet Manley: When no one is at home, there is a very private and mathematical dance I perform, in which I go to the fridge, pull out the cheeses (there is a small village of cheeses in my fridge), then commence the cutting of hearty slices from each. I carry these stacks of cheese slices into the living room, recline on the couch, eat them, then get up for more. As the cheese wedges diminish, I must cut thinner and thinner slices--at all times aiming for a 5% cut of the mass. When all the cheese is gone I stretch then go to bed. JK, I don't stretch.

Josh Sorokach: Let's face it, sometimes you're just too lazy to put any effort whatsoever into your dinner. My secret shame is that occasionally, instead of making dinner, I'll just open up a can of tuna, take out a packet of saltines, add a couple dollops of hot sauce, and take a ride to Chowtown, USA. If you were to walk in on me, I would appear less like someone who rents an apartment and more like a vagabond you'd want to shoo away with a broom, for fear that I'd set your kitchen trashcan on fire. Is my creation the most luxurious meal? No, admittedly it is not. But it's high in protein, has a prep time of one minute, and costs about 50 cents. Win/win/win.

Becky Ferreira: I have a long and storied history of being too lazy to go to the grocery store. This has led to some great interesting culinary inventions, such as "pickle crackers" and "ketchup spaghetti." But it also led to my favorite thing ever: a straight up glob of peanut butter with chocolate sauce on top. I call it the Sugar Town Express, and it's way better than a Reese's Cup, a Snickers, or any other attempt at perfecting the sacred chocolate/peanut dream team. Plus, it ends up looking like a peanut butter island in a sea of chocolate sauce, so it gets extra points for presentation. Beware: the Sugar Town Express is for dessert experts only, so don't try it if you're a beginner.

Brandon Specktor: When nobody is around, I will shovel ecosystems of goldfish crackers into my mouth by the fistful. I chew until I can fit more fish in my mouth, and then I chew those. I don't swallow. I just chew and chew and let this half-solid cracker lump grow in my mouth like a salty, orange snowball gaining mass as it tumbles insanely downhill (same direction as my self respect). It's like throwing coal into the engine of some insatiable fat train; my snack-lust only intensifies with each dump. Only when there are goldfish touching every surface of my mouth—coating the roof, hugging the gums, crashing against the back of my lips like those poor sailors trapped in the boiler room of the Titanic—only then do I finally swallow. Then I start again. Using this method, it's really easy to learn how much matter your face can hold, or to burn through an entire family-size box of crackers before mom gets back from checking the mail.

Kathryn Williams: I have outgrown this now, but for a good year of my childhood I would eat only white foods: rice, chicken, white bread (no crust), apples (peeled)—but no milk. It's amazing that all my bones didn't crumble into dust. Luckily, these days I eat all the colors of the rainbow. One of my favorites: green. I'm on a cornichon kick right now. I eat them like potato chips with my sandwich for lunch. Mmmmmm. Vinegary goodness.

Bailey Swilley: I LOOOOOOVE to eat leftover takeout for breakfast...cold. In general, I avoid the microwave because I feel like it dries food out and I LOVE SAUCE TOO MUCH TO DO THAT TO IT. Speaking of sauce, I love all sauces and will put anything on anything starting with sriracha on my spaghetti and ending with chipotle mayo on my potato chips, but only when no one is home because everyone will think I'm a weirdo. One more thing: any time of the day is acceptable for froyo. It is yogurt, after all.

Shivani: When no one is at home I eat chips and dip, but the dip is ice cream.

What's your weirdest solo eating habit?

Topics: Life
Tags: food, eating, funny things, sparkitors, sploggers, roundups, eating habits, weird food combinations, weird eating habits, weird habits

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.