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7 Sure-Fire Ways to Become the Mayor of Your Dorm Floor

7 Sure-Fire Ways to Become the Mayor of Your Dorm Floor

By Bo Larkin

 

Hopefully all you collegiate sparklers have settled in nicely to your new dorm digs and avoided any major mishaps, examples of which include but aren't limited to lighting your boots on fire, accidentally setting free a gang of havoc-wreaking ferrets, and letting out a very public sneeze-propelled fart. Still among the shame-free? Great! Let’s try to kick it up a notch, by making you the unassailable leader of your dorm floor. Not sure how to begin? Here are some bullet-proof paths to greatness:

Hang a sweet unicorn poster on your door. No one will even need to ask who rules these here parts. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he has one simple rule you must remember: obey the unicorn. Any questions?

Throw a wild party. Your mom’s peanut butter cookies are the essence of wildness. Between those fresh-baked gems and an impromptu public reading of your latest diary entries, your parties are bound to become LEGEND.

Carry a staff. "Wait, are staffs actually cool?" you ask. YOU TELL US. No one will dare question the authority of a staff-wielding wizard. Wearing a cloak and occasionally shouting out ambiguous incantations will breed fear in your people, causing them to agree with everything you say so as to not upset “the crazy girl on the third floor who thinks she’s a wizard.”

Ride a cool longboardIt was once prophesized that he who rideth the longest plank of plied cypress shall inherit the kingdom of the dorm dwellers.

Make a viral video Make sure it’s of you doing something heroic, or covering your body in puppies. Capturing your awesome ability to fit your hand in your mouth may not inspire your dorm mates to follow you to the Promised Land (that campus diner that serves unlimited waffles).

Become a pirate. Pirates are still in, right? RIGHT. You should definitely try for the classier Johnny Depp pirate look, rather than the dirty peg-legged scallywag style. Just try to avoid ninjas, the pirate's only true foe in the battle for cool supremacy.

Start your own militia. Change your name to The Colonel, and rank your squad according to how fast each soldier can bring you a latté. Your latté-fetching endurance course should include such obstacles as lost parents, barbwire trenches, and bros sleeping through their finals. You never know what could happen on the way to Starbucks.

 How will you become the coolest person on your dorm floor?

Topics: Life, Advice
Tags: college, advice, funny things, bad ideas, college life, college campuses, dorm life, how to be cool

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.