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40 Things You Can Say Instead of Swearing

40 Things You Can Say Instead of Swearing

There’s nothing wrong with swearing on occasion, when it's absolutely called for (you've spilled pop rocks all over your keyboard; you've just discovered there's a SEVENTH Harry Potter book you didn't know about). However, we've noticed that once certain someones get a hold of swear words, those words can become their NEW FAVORITE THING. Everything out of their mouths is, “Bleeping bleep! I bleeping can’t bleeping believe that bleeping bleeper isn’t in bleep bleeping his personal bleeping Oompa bleeping Loompa! Bleep.”

So, not in a spirit of censoriousness, but in a spirit of loving the variety and vivacity of language, we humbly present to you, dear Sparklers, 40 alternatives to your humdrum, worn-out, run-of-the-mill f***’s, d***’s, s***’s, h***’s, and x***l***rp***'s. Enjoy.

1. Bother!

2. Crumbs!

3. Crackerjacks!

4. Fiddlesticks!

5. Cinnamon sticks!

6. Sneezing hotpockets!

7. Ladytoots!

8. Witch’s warts!

9. Warlocks’ war locks!

10. Underdone Pop-Tarts!

11. Halfbaked Humvees!

12. Exclamation points!

13. Curses and cursings!

14. Oh, profanity!

15. Giant gumdrops!

16. Billions of blue blistering barnacles and thundering typhoons!

17. Malarkey!

18. Halfling hoards!

19. Brandywine!

20. Boiling butterbeer!

21. Hogswallop!

22. Flimflammery!

23. Aw, shucks!

24. Blast!

25. Botheration!

26. Fuddydud!

27. Bleeping bleeps!

28. Hardboiled hotdogs!

29. Snapple caps!

30. Snapdragon!

31. Darjeeling!

32. Fuddy duddy!

33. Pouty piñatas!

34. Glaring jellyfish!

35. Paltry poultice of pigeon!

36. Trembling tattooed Taiwanese tyrants!

37. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

38. Crikey!

39. Figwit!

40. Gorram it!

What are your favorite alternative expletives?

Topics: Life
Tags: words, funny things, swearing, alternatives, good ideas

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About the Author
Abbey Clarke

Abbey Clarke is a writer and editorial assistant living in Jersey City. She's a player on a D&D podcast called Knife Errant, wrote her senior thesis on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and is working on a novel about a semi-reformed demon who runs a library. You can follow her on Twitter at @abbeybookaholic.

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