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How to Be a Rich Kid of Instagram

How to Be a Rich Kid of Instagram

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

So you wanna be a Rich Kid of Instagram, huh? Well our step-by-step guide can transform any lame-o normal teen's Instagram account into a non-stop party train of luxury and privilege faster than you can say "economic recession."

Things you MUST have pictures of:

1. You posing with your family’s helicopter and/or personal plane.
2. Lots of pics of mansions that your parents bought. Make sure to put in some good hashtags like #VacationHome so it’ll pop up when your friends want to check out your new parents’s house.
3. Lots of pics of bags from couture designers. Don’t forget to run it through some Instagram filters, though, so you can produce a nice aged look on the bags. #louboutin #louisvuitton #saintlaurent #chanel #givenchy #WaitWhatIsTheMeaningOfLife #IsThisIt? #GUYSIsIt?
4. Pics of paradise. You in paradise OR paradise just featured on her own. Either way, no Rich Kid of Instagram account is confirmed as legit until proof of tropical-island-vacationing has been presented.
5. Receipts! Receipts! Receipts! We truly can not stress this enough. Receipts that show a bar tab of $10,000 or more are crucial. CRUCIAL.
6. Black American Express cards. We don’t know what these are, but we do know we don’t have one. Pics of teens wielding black cards is enough for us to say “Wait, what is money? What is economy? Who am I?” #FamilyAffair
7. Fast cars. VVVVRRRROOOOMMM VROM My parents bought this for me. #NewToy #Blessed
8. The biggest bottle of champagne ever seen. You don't have to drink it, but you DO have to be able to find a bottle bigger than the America's Cup (which your dad totally enters every year on his yacht, "Hegemony").
9. Fancy watches! “Time, time, who has the time? No time to say ‘hello!’ goodbye! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!” says the white Anglo-Saxon Protestant rabbit as he falls down the hole.
10. Your parents' yacht. 500 bonus points if you can get the crew to stand on the deck for a group shot. #ahoycaptain
11. A picture of a priceless Leonardo da Vinci in the back of your Ferrari as you take it to the Hamptons for the summer. #LeonardoInTheRari #ThisIsReallyAThing
12. Amendment to #1 now that we’ve decided to give bonus points. You get 250 extra points if the pic is an action shot of you coming out of the helicopter. Must be insanely-stylishly dressed.
13. It’s important to have multiples of things featured in one pic. Example: multiple diamonds, Ferraris, pools. #Truth #RealTalk
14. Pics of your certificate of lordship. SO IMPORTANT GUYS!!! We need a photo of an official doc from the British Government or some other old European empire. @letthelordbewithyou
15. Literally hold a giant stack of $100 bills to your face while you’re driving. #RichieRich
16. Lots of pics of ladies staring off into the distance. This is a serious theme with the Rich Kids of Instagram. A picture of the back of a woman, must have long, Kerastased hair, and must be sitting with great posture, staring off into a sunset, ocean, or other natural scene. She appears to be thinking, “What shall I buy next?” or “Where am I?” and “Does the curve of the earth make me look fat in this picture? No, impossible.”
17. Multiple pictures of you and your “friends” hanging out at “your” pool. There’s actually a legal document which insures that every Rich Kid of Instagram account contains AT LEAST 38% “peeps at the pool” action shots.
18. Pics of your body guards. Why not? They’re people too.

Things you MUST leave out:

1. Anyone over 30 unless he is a celebrity or responsible for your good fortune.
2. No babies. Or children for that matter. But seriously, where are all the little kids? Don’t you guys have younger siblings?
3. No restaurant facade or store sign from the real world unless it is referenced ironically.
4. No pictures of books.
5. No pics of house cleaners or maids. DON’T FORGET THIS. We all know they are there, we just don’t want to see them, OK?
6. No pictures of cats or dogs. Pics of horses, pandas, and gorillas? Yes.
7. No pics of anyone working or at work.

Are you ready to makeover your Instagram account?

Topics: Life
Tags: rich kids, photos, equality, instagram, conspicuous consumption

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.