It's almost Halloween, which means that ghosts are currently, at this very moment, on their way to haunt your house. It's not a matter of debate: they are coming, whether you like it or not. But they only get this one day a year, so I say we let them have it. In order to prepare yourself for the oncoming hordes of spirits, here are a few things you should NOT do when a ghost is crashing at your place for the night:
DON'T investigate the noise. Yes, we all heard it. No, it's not "just the wind" or "only the house creaking." Don't kid yourself. It's clear that the ghost has arrived, but that doesn't mean you should go looking for it. I know it seems rude not to greet your guest, but just leave it alone. You don't want the ghost to stay, remember? Stop being so polite!
DON'T ask "Who's there?" You know who's there: a spirit of the dead coming back from the grave to haunt you. It's blatantly obvious, and you should know better. The next time you hear a bump in the night, just ignore it. Ghosts are like children, acting annoying until they get your attention. Stay strong.
DON'T answer the phone. The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE. Well, I guess there could be exceptions to this rule. It could just be a telemarketer. Or it could also be your friends and family calling to check upon you and your paranoia. But, just to be safe, assume the call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE. Assuming a telemarketer is on the line has the same scary effect.
DON'T check scary places. Basements and attics are breeding grounds for ghosts. You can't walk right into their territory and expect to come out unscathed. No, no, no, dark scary rooms that require stairs for access are none of your concern and should be left alone. Stay in the living room with all the lights on.
DON'T ask questions. "Who are you?" "What do you want?" "Where did you come from?" Yeah, cry hopelessly all you want, but it's, well, I don't want to be redundant, but...it's hopeless. It's not like the Ghost is going to stop doing its job of haunting you just to explain why its torturing you in the first place. And do you really want to know the answer anyway? Ignorance is bliss.
DON'T split up. You mean you actually have someone else in your house? Like a living, breathing human being who can protect you from the evil spirits afoot? Don't let them go! Anyone who has ever seen a scary movie, a trailer for a scary movie, or even a Halloween episode on the Disney channel knows that splitting up is the worst thing you could possibly do. Cling on to your human shield with all your might!
DON'T videotape the experience for proof. Seriously. It's not worth it. Ghosts are such attention whores when they're on film. They move furniture around, pop up when you least expect them, and start multimillion-dollar movie franchises. It's just awful. Save yourself the trouble and put the camera away. Even with photographic evidence, your friends still won't believe you.
DON'T stay in the house. Are you still in the house? No offense, but WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Pack some clothes and a toothbrush and get yourself to a hotel as soon as possible. And by "as soon as possible," I mean now.
How will you deal with your Halloween haunting?