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The Worst Uses for Your New Roommate's Whiteboard

The Worst Uses for Your New Roommate's Whiteboard

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

We’ll use it to keep track of our chores! We will write out a new word a week to memorize! Your new roomie squeals about her recent purchase. Little does she know her freshly bought white board will transform into a host for passive aggressive notes before mid-terms. Oh, our ancient elephant eyes can still see the fury chiseled on our roommate's whiteboard during college. Your roomie might have lofty whiteboard ambitions, but there is a malevolent side to every dry-erase enamel board. Here are the worst uses for yours!

  1. Every day, write, "Good morning, Hannah!!!! Day #[42] with meeeeee!"
  2. Keep track of the number of times she mispronounces "Van Gogh."
  3. Keep track of how often she says “like” in one night.
  4. Tack up a picture of you and Obama shaking hands with the caption: THE FUTURE.
  5. Record a health log of all your cold symptoms throughout the year: stuffy noses, headaches, and minor whatevers.
  6. Write down what you want for your birthday.
  7. Keep an ordered list of reasons she's lucky to have you as a roommate.
  8. Sketch her sleeping. If she complains, yell, "You're the one who brought the amazing bone structure into this dorm room, are you not?!"
  9. Tally out the pros and cons of her boyfriend.
  10. Keep track of your food diary for the week.
  11. Keep a record of your best qualities.
  12. Turn it into your vision board.
  13. Unveil a “Fart or Burp?” chart.
  14. Write out the new iOS7 terms and conditions that came with the latest iPhone upgrade.
  15. Turn the board into a world map, tagged with places you’ve visited that she hasn’t.
  16. Provide a record of each of your family members and how they’ve hurt you in some way.
  17. Render a life-sized sketch of your spirit animal. Draw a box around it, then write, "Sacred space."
  18. Record how many times you’ve heard her say “LOL” in real life.
  19. List the reasons your home state is superior to all others.
  20. Write out your gratitude list.
  21. Make sure to list all the compliments you received during the week.
  22. Chart how much water she’s wasting when her showers go over five minutes, with an angry dolphin cartoon for every cumulative hour of wasted water.
  23. Post the reasons why you would be helpful in a post-apocalyptic world and she would not be any help.
  24. Write the lyrics to your favorite Cher song.
  25. Record the dates when you thought you might have possibly heard her snoring.
  26. Accidentally write on the board with a Sharpie, ruining it for all future use.
  27. "YOUR CLOTHES ARE ALWAYS ON THE FLOOR."
  28. "I THINK YOU LEFT SOME OPEN CANDY ON MY DESK AND NOW IT’S A LITTLE STICKY."
  29. "DID YOU USE MY TOWEL? SERIOUSLY, DID YOU? BECAUSE THAT IS GROSS."
  30. "HEY HANNAH, I MADE A FORT IN HERE BUT I WILL PACK IT UP LATER."
  31. "LIVING WITH ME WILL SO BE WORTH IT WHEN MY MOM'S SOUR PATCH CARE PACKAGE ARRIVES."
  32. Write out the origin story of your cat, Dr. Furrypawz.
  33. Draw a detailed diagram (with explanatory notes) of your astrology chart.
  34. Fill the whole board with a blue maker, wasting the marker. If she tries to erase it, scream out: "THAT IS MY ART! DON’T YOU CENSOR ME!"
  35. Write up the reasons why she should let you borrow her jean jacket.
  36. Log the showtimes for all the movies in your town from last month.
  37. Scrawl out an apology letter asking forgiveness for completely dominating and ruining her whiteboard over the course of the year.

What would you like to write to your new roomie?

Topics: Life, College Makeovers
Tags: roommates, dorm rooms, college life, whiteboard, messages

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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