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18 One-Liners Sure to Drive Away Your Roommate's Annoying New S.O.

18 One-Liners Sure to Drive Away Your Roommate's Annoying New S.O.

By Bo Larkin

Have you found yourself vying for space on your own dorm bed? Ever come home to find your roommate's brand-new boyfriend with his feet on YOUR coffee table, watching YOUR TV, with YOUR bag of Taco Doritos in his lap? It might just mean that your roommate’s significant other has decided to move in—and that means war, my friends. Make your next move a swift, one-line knockout punch. Here are 18 that'll guarantee his quick departure (or he's even weirder than you thought):

1)  I’m having some friends over for a pee fight tonight! If you want to be on my team, you have to drink all this water.

2) Just a warning, I involuntarily projectile vomit from time to time. Man, those tacos I ate 10 minutes ago were good.

3) Does this executioner’s mask make me look more professional?

4) Technically I’m a bio major, but I think of myself as more of a murderous clown.

5) Are you staying tonight for my delectable roadkill muffins?

6) Say what you will about murder; I think it should be legalized.

7) My boyfriend just got out of prison and is on his way here!

8) I don't care what all those doctors say, I bet my rash isn’t THAT contagious.

9) Do these radioactive pants make me look fat?

10) Your striking scent is reminiscent of my grandmother’s. She was a magnificent woman.

11) Sit closer, my child. CLOSER.

12) Today, we train for freedom. Take my hand, don't ask questions, and RUN!

13) If you see a scorpion running around, please try not to step on him. His name is Dave.

14) Do you know a good way to get blood out of leather gloves?

15) Been bitten by any of our bed bugs yet?

16) I should have asked before you drank that water—are you allergic to arsenic?

17) Have you met my invisible friend, Gunther?

18) The light in here really brings out your acne.

Topics: Life
Tags: college, roommates, one-liners, funny things, dorms, dorm life

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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