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It Could Happen to You! The Haunted Hayride From Hell

It Could Happen to You! The Haunted Hayride From Hell

Nothing could be more perfect—you're cuddled up beside your new crush on a happy hayride, his North Face jacket keeping you warm while the two of you, perched atop hay bales, forge ahead into a foggy, dusk-lit apple orchard. This is going to be the best haunted hayride ever!

PSYCH. As anyone who's been the victim of a hayride-related injury can tell you, they're death-and-disaster traps waiting to happen. Let this cautionary tale be your guide. Your next haunted hayride may be your last! Here's how it could go down:

A man in a sheet terrifying ghost jumps out of the woods and yells “BOO!” Feigning fright, you use the opportunity to cuddle up to your crush. As he leans over to FINALLY kiss you, a spider drops into your hair, causing you to jump around like a maniac yelling, “SPIDERS! SPIIIIIIDEEEERS! NOOOOOOOOO!” You finally discover the true culprit: a leaf, now knotted into your hair.

But it's still okay! While you attempt to re-create the moment before the kiss, a vampire bat in search of shelter finds it in your now nest-like hair. You jump out of the slowly moving flatbed truck and wildly run in a zigzag pattern with your arms above your head, screaming, “BAAAAAATS! WHYYYYYYYYYYY!” The hayride driver decides it's best for all involved that he gun it, leaving you behind in a hazy cloud of dust and humiliation. The last you see of your crush, he's chatting up your best friend.

While frantically attempting to evict your hair bat, you become entangled in a giant novelty cobweb strung between two elm trees. Luckily, there's a decorative sickle nearby to help you cut your way to freedom. Unfortunately,  it's made of dull plastic. Just then, another truckload of thrill-seeking hayriders rumbles past. “HELP!" you shriek. "I thought there was a spider…and then there was a bat ! This sickle isn't sharp enough! Somebody help me! I was once one of yoooou!!”

Finally, a friendly squirrel recognizes your plight and chews you free. As you wander aimlessly in search of civilization, a bat hanging from your left earring, a squirrel perched on your right shoulder, your hair looking like a tornado victim's, and cobwebs dangling from your elbows, you experience an untimely, stress-induced nosebleed. Giving up all hope of ever being found, you're reduced to stumbling listlessly around the woods. “Spiders…Bats…BLOOD…,” you mumble in a zombie-like rasp.

At last you spy an exit from the endless labyrinth of the apple orchard. There's your mom’s car, sitting in the parking lot! As you step into view, you hear a muffled scream from inside her car. You tell her of your horrifying ordeal, and she responds with eerie silence. When your story ends, she begins a story of her own. “It happened years ago, on a night just like tonight. In fact, this is the anniversary of that fateful evening. A young girl on a hayride with her friends disappeared into the woods, never to be seen again. It's said that the woodland creatures accepted her as one of their own, and christened her Batty Batilda. And that girl was…you. I'm sorry, but you belong to the woods now. I’m actually here to pick up your younger brother. Ttyl!”

Happy Halloween!

Topics: Life
Tags: halloween, scary things, ridiculous things, funny things, disasters, bad ideas, horror stories, hayrides

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at and @bogitano

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