They don’t call it the perfect crime because it’s okay if someone makes a tiny mistake and the only thing that really matters is whether or not you had fun. No, sir. They call it the perfect crime because it requires meticulous plotting and synchronized watches and ski masks that don’t itch. Most importantly, however, it requires a good getaway driver, but they’re pretty hit-and-miss. They can either a) make a flawless escape while everyone high-fives in the backseat, or b) immediately crash into a mailbox as the police surround you. So if you’re in the market for a good getaway driver… well, keep looking, because these guys would probably just screw it up.
1. Ron Weasley from Harry Potter. Sure, he stole a flying car when he was 12, and that’s pretty cool, but he wound up crashing it into the Whomping Willow. He also had to Confund the instructor when he took his driving test as an adult. We're not saying Ron isn’t good at plenty of things, we're just saying that driving the getaway car and not crashing it into a violent tree probably wouldn’t be one of them. The closest he, Harry, and Hermione ever came to needing a getaway vehicle was when they broke into Gringotts, and they threw that idea right out the window and instead commandeered a dragon they found at the scene. So maybe that’s the way to do it.
2. Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby. This probably doesn’t need to be said, but we’re saying it anyway. If Daisy Buchanan were driving our getaway car, we’d probably get out and try to outrun the impending manhunt on foot.
3. Tom Haverford from Parks and Recreation. Remember that time he hit a fire hydrant while Tweeting? And how he can’t make the 3.4-mile drive to work without a GPS? Should we keep going?
4. Marius Pontmercy from Les Misérables. Aside from the fact that he doesn’t know what a car is and would therefore be really bewildered by the concept, Marius would ruin everything, somehow. We’re not even sure how he would do it, but we feel confident that he would find a way. He’d probably park it on the curb and then get boxed in by a double-parker. That’s not to devalue his character—he did save the barricade, after all. But if there has to be one thing standing between us and 25 years in prison, we’d rather it be almost anyone other than the guy who threatens to blow everything up at the first sign of trouble.
5. Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. She would lose interest within about five minutes and wander off while everyone's robbing the bank. And she wouldn't leave the keys.
6. Burton Guster from Psych. We know that (inadvertently) driving the getaway car is just about 50% of what Gus brings to the table, but we’re reminded forcibly of that time in “Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead” where they were chasing a bad guy and Gus did this, like, twelve-point turn in the Blueberry.
7. Willy Wonka from the original Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Imagine thinking you’re making a pretty smooth getaway when suddenly Willy Wonka takes his hands off the wheel, turns slowly to stare at you, and starts muttering, “There’s no earthly way of knowing… which direction we are going…” like that scene where the kids were all barreling through the crazy tunnel on the Boat of Almost Certain Death. Before long he'll be screaming about “the fires of hell” and “the grisly Reaper,” and you’ll all be wishing you’d opted for a double-parking disaster of the Marius Pontmercy variety.
Which fictional character would make the BEST getaway driver? We're thinkin' Dumbledore. BIG TIME.