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41 Signs It Is Time to Buy Some New Jeans

41 Signs It Is Time to Buy Some New Jeans

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

  1. The knee holes got so big the bottoms simply fell off and now they're shorts.
  2. You grew two inches last year and now they are capris.
  3. Your jeans have turned brother against sister, husband against wife, and buffalo against hedgehog. You must bring peace to your town, once again, by banishing them for good.
  4. You’ve worn the butt so thin that people can tell your underwear color.
  5. They are your older brother’s JCNOs from the '90s.
  6. They are overalls.
  7. You only have one wearable pair. Everyone needs at least two! You gotta alternate, people.
  8. They were an impulse buy (code for: they are denim parachute pants).
  9. You can recall significant events in your life based off certain stains on your jeans.
  10. Your jeans aren't stonewash, they're Stone HENGE, yo.
  11. Every single person in your school has the same style. You feel like a denim sheep.
  12. Neil Diamond won't make room for you inside of them.
  13. They’re not jeans, they’re khakis.
  14. You’ve had them patched so many times the top and bottom are two different colors.
  15. They have traveled far enough.
  16. You’ve had them so long that you can’t remember when/where you got them. You decide they must have found you.
  17. You lent them to a friend who you haven’t heard from in months. Did she move? Join the jean protection program? Either way they are gone.
  18. You thought you could rock the high-waisted look. You can’t.
  19. You thought you could rock the low-waisted look. You can’t.
  20. Ponyboy fainted.
  21. They're chaps.
  22. You bought skinny jeans thinking “this will be fun!” but they are so tight you can’t bend your knees.
  23. Someone at school saw you and was like, “I didn’t know the dollar store made jeans!”
  24. Your dad pointed out you’ve been wearing the same jeans since middle school.
  25. Mr. Hintz, your biology teacher, was like “Hey man, cool jeans.”
  26. You can’t remember if that red stain on the calf is blood or paint.
  27. They are bell bottoms.
  28. They are so tight in the waist you can only sip water when you wear them.
  29. They are so baggy you have already accidentally mooned two people today.
  30. Your jeans hold controversial views on the education curriculum.
  31. Your mom asked if she could borrow them.
  32. You’ve never been able to get that smell out from when the neighbor’s dog peed on your leg.
  33. They were your boyfriend's. Now they are your ex-boyfriend's. (See what we did there?)
  34. They are so baggy you sometimes use them as a blanket.
  35. EVERYTHING you put in your pockets falls out of the holes.
  36. While wearing your jeans from Chico’s, you were mistaken for a teen-mom.
  37. A baby started crying when they saw you in your jeans.
  38. You are no longer in your rhinestone denim phase.
  39. Your jeans went to see Gravity without you.
  40. The bottom hem is so ragged it looks like you're in the chorus of Oliver!
  41. You want some new jeans!

What is the verdict?! Do you need new jeans?

Topics: Life, The SparkNote to You
Tags: fashion, lists, signs, jeans, the outsiders

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.