Survival Guide to Bad Horror Movie Plots
“There’s a ghost in the house! What do we do?” Why wouldn’t you just move? Scary movies! Sometimes the most terrifying thing about them is that the characters DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAVE THEMSELVES. Here are our trip notes for surviving five of the craziest horror movies ever.
The Ring is a 2002 thriller whose plot is centered on the emergence of a cursed video tape. Unfortunately, the basis for the whole movie rests on an outdated technology. In 2002, a cursed video tape may have seemed appropriate. But eleven years later, we don’t know a single person who owns a VCR. There's a good lesson here for would-be haunters. If you’re going to curse something, don’t curse technology. It moves too fast.
SURVIVAL TIP: Press eject. If that doesn't work, stuff cookies into the VCR.
Halloween is a 1978 horror classic directed by John Carpenter. The film begins with the chilling first-hand view of six-year-old Michael Myers murdering his sister with a kitchen knife, then being committed to a mental hospital. Fifteen years later, he escapes by stealing a car and driving it back to his hometown, beginning a new reign of terror. The problem is that when he was originally committed to the mental hospital, he was six years old and didn't have his driver's license ... No matter how determined you are as a psychopath, you’re going to have problems turning right on RED if you don't know how to drive.
SURVIVAL TIP: Change gears. The maniac behind you won't have much of a chance of slicing you open if they're burning down the highway in first gear. For extra oomph, drive somewhere the killer will need to try a hill start.
All of the movies in the Friday the 13th franchise are riddles with bodies and mortal plot weakenesses. Jason Voorhees, the chief killer guy, has three recognizable character traits: he wears a hockey mask, carries a machete and walks extremely slowly. The pace Jason Voorhees travels would make your grandmother look like a Jamaican sprinter.
SURVIVAL TIP: If you want to get away from Jason, all you have to do is jog to the nearest police station at a pace gentle enough to hold a conversation.
Cujo is a 1983 film based on a Stephen King novel, and focuses on a family’s St. Bernard, Cujo. After being bitten by a rabid bat, Cujo becomes crazed. Eventually, the maniacal dog is defeated through use of a baseball bat and a revolver, but not before he has clawed his way almost through the chassis of a great American car. The trouble with Cujo is that a dog, no matter how rabid, is still a dog.
SURVIVAL TIP: Raisins and chocolate are all you need to defeat a dog. Get yourself a bag of chocolate-covered raisins and bring on the anti-climax.
Child’s Play is a 1988 slasher film which spawned six sequels. The movie begins with serial killer Charles “Chucky” Lee Ray facing imminent death, while trapped inside a toy store. He curses one of the surrounding “Good Guy” dolls using a voodoo ritual, trapping his spirit within the doll, which goes on a killing spree. The biggest problem with the movie is that Lee Ray's spirit is housed inside a tiny doll, thus limiting his strength as a psycho killer to that of a lunchbox.
SURVIVAL TIP: Have your little brother or sister scribble on Chucky's face or bury him in the backyard. Better yet, accidentally leave him in the shopping trolley at Safeway.