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Great Speeches for Mundane Moments (or How to Become Your Neighborhood Weirdo)

Great Speeches for Mundane Moments (or How to Become Your Neighborhood Weirdo)

By Bo Larkin

 

Life can’t always be as entertaining as we wish it to be. You wake up, you go to school, you come home—if you're lucky, someone falls down in a hilarious manner, but for the most part things are business as usual. So why not have a little fun, by delivering amazing speeches at random moments? Just don’t tell anyone they got punked, please. Let the people decide for themselves whether you're from another planet or deserve a talk show. 

At Starbucks: “Wow. Just…wow. First and foremost, I’d like to thank the key player that stuck by this pumpkin spice latté from the very beginning, on its journey from beans and milk to this tall, steaming cup of autumn brilliance. Angela, you are the barista that every coffee drinker dreams of having, and I’m lucky enough to call you mine. Next, I’d like to thank everyone in line; without you, none of these could have ever come true. Lastly, I want to thank my family, for showing me that coffee could be so much more than just regular or decaf. Here’s to the stuff dreams are made of! Grind on!"

At the Deli Counter: “Number 34? Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD! That’s me! So many meats and cheeses to choose from. Roast beef, Jarlsberg—sharp cheddar! Sorry, I’m a little nervous. I’ve never met a real live butcher before. If you were a meat—of course you’re not, you’re a brilliant artisan—but IF you were a meat, which one would you be? I’ve never tried ‘pleasehurrywithyourorder,’ is that German? Wow, you learn something new every day!"

At the McDonalds Drive-Thru: “Who are you, and how do you know exactly what I crave? Did that magical talking menu board spill his guts? Before long, everyone will know my secret love for large fries and ice cream cones. I thought my order was confidential, and would be delivered by a series of sentient robots, who would then be destroyed upon completion of this, their destiny. For shame, you rogue! SHAME!"

Restaurant: You'd like to take my order? Just so you know, girl, I would never order you to do anything. Do I look like a tyrant? In truth, I’m but a humble citizen, making my way through the world just like you. Please don’t allow my whip and bullhorn to mislead you: they just happen to be very useful tools when foolish people refuse to bow to my will. Gosh, all this talking has stirred up quite a rumble in my belly, CAN A GUY GET A SANDWICH AROUND HERE?!"

Supermarket Check-Out: “Citizens, do not be alarmed! I repeat, do not be alarmed, but OMG, THAT CONVEYOR BELT IS POSSESSED BY A DEMON. With every item the checker picks up, the whole thing lurches forward! First my sweet potatoes, then my soup—I dread what will happen when you take that watermelon! Stand with me now, against the evil enchantments of the Safeway, and DEMAND the skills of an exorcist before you buy even a PEANUT from this hell house. Who's with me?"

Call from inside the carwash: “Something has gone terribly wrong! I'm calling from inside your carwash, where I've been transported to another dimension consisting entirely of foam and giant, dripping wet Pac-man-ghost-like creatures trying to get into my car! I tried both yelling at them and punching the windows with a frightening look on my face, but to no avail. I think they smell my fear! Will you now stand up and fight beside me—will you please help me locate the nearest portal to return to the world I once knew?”

What mundane situation would be improved by an awesome speech?

Topics: Life
Tags: ridiculous things, funny things, speeches, bad advice, rhetoric

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.