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What's In Your Dream Vending Machine?

What's In Your Dream Vending Machine?

First Row: Fave Foodz
A1 Toasted Sesame Bagel with Butter and Cinnamon and Sugar: one of the best bagel combos and not as messy as the usual cream cheese variety.
A2 Ice Cold Coconut Water: Love me some coconut water. It’s gotta be crazy cold tho, because when it’s inching to the warm zone, it starts to taste like cheese.
A3 Perfectly Crisp Fiji Apple: sometimes I just want to eat a good apple dang it.
A4 Altoids: for when the breath is kicking.

Second Row: Hygiene
B1 Tooth Kit (toothbrush, toothpaste, floss): I know y’all think I’m perfect BUT sometimes I have the kind of breath that mints just can’t fix. When A4 won’t cut it, I punch in B1.
B2 Some Translucent Powder: because I get oily people.
B3 Deodorant: explanation is in the same vein of B2.
B4 The Perfect Hair Day: for when the ponytail falls limp or the long tresses are in a state of chaos.

Third Row: Lazy Indulgences
C1 Get Out School Free Card: want one day off without the consequences of falling behind in class? Present this card and you are exempt from all homework and other responsibilities that day. Can only be used once a semester.
C2 My Finished Homework: no explanation needed.
C3 A Hammock: to stretch out between some trees in the school’s courtyard and take a nap!
C4 A Kitten Date: just a cute cuddly kitty to nap with me in my hammock. No lifelong responsibility here (kitty is whisked off to loving home after our afternoon play date) just adorable cuddle time.

Fourth Row: Making Life Easier/Cooler
D1 A Theme Song: Ever wanted to be the star of your own HS rom-com? Well with D1, just punch in a song title and time/date combo. Then get ready, because at your choosing (walking down the hall between classes, passing crush?) your song will start playing and you’ll start strutting.
D2 One Perfect Outfit: changes daily depending on current styles and the weather.
D3 One Canned Laugh: make a joke that fell flat? Said something super witty but no one heard? Never fear, your canned laughter is here! Now the people five lockers down know that what you said was super hilarious even though they didn’t hear your joke.
D4 One Revenge Card: someone make fun of your outfit? Call you a name? Apply revenge card and see karma work at it’s best. No one will get seriously hurt or injured, but embarrassment is a given.

Fifth Row: The Love Row
E1 Look At Me Spray: similar to love potion, the Look At Me Spray should be spritzed around oneself moments before passing crush. They will inhale the scent-free spray and find themselves unable to look away as you casually stroll past.
E2 A Dozen Roses: to be delivered to you at some point through out the day. Just enter your preferred classroom and time and sit back and enjoy the delivery of a dozen roses to you from “a secret admirer.”
E3 The I Love Myself Card: to be purchased when one is sick of swooning after a certain someone. Immediately after buying, one feels self possessed, confident, and ready to take on the world.
E4 Over You: this is a double action card. The first is that you are instantly over the person in question. The second action is when James Franco picks you up after school in a convertible. He just takes you home and drops you off, but still, everyone saw it happen.

What's in YOUR dream vending machine? 

Topics: Life, The SparkNote to You
Tags: food, school, awkward situations, dreams

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.