1. Your mom's five-star Amazon review of Fifty Shades of Grey.
2. The captions on your ex's new Facebook photo album, "MIKE LOVES CINDY." Did you really need to know that her pet name for him is CutieButt? Does that make you feel better?
3. The essay that's due in your first class tomorrow, which you wrote in five Coke Zero-fueled minutes. "Russia is a very big state in the top half of the map where the people live in palaces made of ice and wear fur hats" is not the stuff of A+ grades. Especially considering the paper's supposed to be on The Scarlet Letter.
4. A National Geographic photo essay on Monsters of the Deep. Holla from the bottom of the sea!
5. Our fan fiction masterpiece, "Neville Gone Wild."
6. The diary you wrote during "the Year of Jeremy," also known as last year, also known as the year of a thousand terrible napkin poems and weepy diary entries. ("Dear Diary, JEREMY WILL NEVER LOOOVE MEEE. Sincerely, Mrs. Jeremy")
7. For the thousandth time, the "casual" text you sent your crush, which took you three hours to write and which he never responded to. Unless he's responded by now, CHECK ONE MORE TIME MAYBE YOU JUST DIDN'T HEAR IT BEEP
8. A list of things that Web MD thinks your slight stomachache might be a symptom of (malaria, galloping pneumonia, Swedish monkey flu).
9. The ingredients list on the Hot Pocket you just ate. We don't really think that L-Cysteine Hydrochloride will make you grow gerbil ears on the backs of your hands, but we can't definitely say that it won't.
What's the worst possible thing to read right before bed?