If you are reading this, you were probably born. You have our sympathy.
Being born is not fair. You get no say in it, and yet it will determine everything about the quality of your life until the day you die/are reverse-born. Ever wonder what your life would’ve been like if you showed up a little earlier or later? If you had a twin sibling, or no siblings at all?
Neither do we. But we made this post anyway, because we were bored. Here is what life is like, 100% of the time, when you were born as…
The Eldest Child
You and your parents will always share a special bond, also known as credit card debt. You are their first serious attempt at growing their very own human being, and so may inadvertently cripple their souls with a never-ending barrage of fear and anxiety, also known as love. Be prepared: they will cry because of every single thing you do, sometimes even in joy.
You will naturally seek leadership positions. You will always be held as an example for your younger siblings, so better hope they aren’t total train-wrecks. After years of “holding down the fort” while the parents go snogging, your fists will grow hard with sibling blood, even as your heart grows soft with sibling love. Eventually, you will find yourself as concerned with their well-being as your parents were with yours, which is pretty trippy. Better punch them while you can.
Of all your siblings, you are the most likely to move far away from home or be murdered in a Biblical plague. Plan ahead for both by carrying a thermos of lamb’s blood on your person at all times.
The Middle Child
In Buddhism, the “Middle Way” is a path of wisdom and moderation, free from the extremes of self-indulgence and self-deprivation. Sounds nice, but we must remember The Buddha never had to share a hatchback with four sisters on the weekend, so he’s essentially about as clueless as the tree he crawled out of. (I don’t know much about Buddha.)
Today’s middle children walk a more political path, fraught with uneasy truces and tie-breaking votes about which pizza place to order from. You’ve played the baby and the elder, and so are a literal medium between generations. (Neat, huh!) This unique perspective in the family can be very advantageous, but also very lonely. You will often confuse “middle” with “mediocre,” causing you to relentlessly judge yourself and others. In work, you will consider yourself an imposter. At play, you will have only one or two very close friends, but later learn they were actually just made of sand.
The only true escape from your inherent cynicism is to do like The Buddha do, and just become enlightened already. The process is simple, and always the same: One day at noon (the middle of the day) in June (the middle of the year) you will become entranced with the middle of a turkey club sandwich while standing in the middle of the road. “The middle piece of bread is so important,” you will muse as a bus hits you in the middle of the back and sends you flying into the middle distance. Upon your release from the hospital and months of grueling rehab, you will realize that mediocrity is simply a state of mind, just like those hallucinations of dancing turkey sandwiches you will experience in the middle of the night, every night for the rest of your life. Boom. Buddha’fied.
The Youngest Child
Well, well, well, look who decided to show up. Even when you turn crusty and ancient you’ll still be considered “the baby” of the family just because, once, you happened to be one. Of course, this is not your fault. But there’s also nothing you can do about it, and that will drive you crazy your entire ridiculous life.
You are an existential prisoner; A slave of your parents’ inconsistent mating rituals. Thus, like a mime suddenly on fire, you will thrash violently in all directions until someone finally gives you the attention you require. Your manic pursuit of recognition will take you down both positive and negative paths; You will play nine sports; You will learn six languages (and record an awful folk rock ballad in each); You will appear on the local news twice, once for rescuing a baby from a flooded Port-o-John, and once for accidentally stuffing her back into it.
Yours is a long and exhausting campaign, but the early skirmishes for validation will leave you confident, talented, and exceptionally employable. Too bad your older brothers took all the good jobs already. HEH-HEEEEEEH!
The Only Child
Growing up the sole recipient of your parents’ love and attention, people will assume you are selfish, spoiled, and out of touch with the feelings of others. They’re absolutely right. But you’ll never have to share your Halloween candy, ever. You tell us who the winner is.
It’s an old cliché, but you truly are two peas in the same zygote. You love Twix and The Two Towers. You hate Uno. If you are an identical twin, you and your sibling are 85% more likely to pull off an elaborate identity swap in order to get your estranged parents to fall in love again, all the while learning that you were really desperate to love each other the whole time.
Popular careers include: Substitute teacher, stunt double, substitute stunt double, double-crosser, cross-dresser, double indemnity lawyer, and creepy hotel ghost. You are the closest living thing to a human clone and, once realizing this, it’s all just a race to see who needs the first organ transplant. Good luck.