Ahoy, Sparklers! You're probably asking yourself, "Hey beautiful, what exactly makes a SparkLife post a dream post?" First things first, we love the confidence. Those "inspirational quote a day" emails you signed up for are working out rather nicely. Our definition of a dream post is any title that makes you perform a spit-take, yell "What the what!" and click the link with the intensity of 1,000 Taylor Swift eye rolls. Ready, Freddy? Ready, everybody else not named Freddy? Here are 8 dream posts we'd love to see on SparkLife:
1. 7 Reasons Why Your Taco Addiction is Making you TOO Intelligent
In defense of this hypothetical post, there's no concrete evidence that tacos make you any less intelligent. Time for a quick round of "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." This week's episode: Taco edition.
The Good: Tacos fall into the "fun foods with delightful names" category. Tacos, pizza, Skittles, turkey club; repeating that list out loud sounds like a verbal dance party. Sadly, the opposite is also true. Case in point: brussels sprouts. The term "brussels sprouts" sounds like a rare medical condition wherein you develop a full grown beard on your toes.
The Bad: Tacos are not a delicacy you can eat gracefully. Toppings flee your tortilla with reckless abandon, you're never quite sure if you should use a fork or your hands, they make your breath smell like the inside of a poorly ventilated tugboat, and you always end up with guacamole in your hair.
The Ugly: Us. After we consume a wheelbarrow full of tacos on dollar taco night.
2. President Obama Decrees That Reading is Now a Varsity Sport
If reading were a varsity sport, gymnasiums as far as the eye can see would be filled with boisterous fans and ebullient cheerleaders enthusiastically applauding as you thoroughly read George Orwell's Animal Farm. Then, during the post-game interview, a reporter would comment on how "good" you did, so you can reply, "Don't you mean how OrWELL I did?
3. New Study Shows Obsessively Checking Your Crush's Facebook Page Increases Odds of Relationship
Is anybody else absolutely petrified that there's a secret undercover service that will allow people to discover how many times you visit certain Facebook accounts? If that were to happen, you'd never hear from us again because, we would have implemented our "Too Embarrassed to Live" emergency plan of spending the rest of our life on a train listening to "Train."
4. 11 Ways to MAP the Perfect Homework Schedule That You'll TREASURE Forever
We're glad you decoded our super secret message! The title of this post is obviously a code that leads to a treasure map. We won't lie to you, the quest for the treasure of Bones Von SparkLife is an arduous journey that you may or may not survive. Follow the instructions on this map to Skull Mountain. When you arrive, a sullen, recently fired candlestick maker named Ned will give you further instructions. Wear comfortable shoes.
We always hoped treasure maps and quicksand would play a more prevalent role in our adult lives. But much like romantic picnics, family potato sack races, and pets with middle names, they are perhaps better in theory.
5. Avoiding Homework and Mindlessly Searching the Internet Increases Physical Attractiveness
You know what's better than forced reading, studying, term papers, or any type of mandatory effort? Anything. Anything at all. In fact, after typing that sentence we went straight to Google and, apropos of nothing, typed "Suburgatory theme song." We can actually feel ourselves becoming more attractive.
6.Eccentric Chocolate Factory Owner Discovers Cure for Fatigue
This would solve two of society's greatest predicaments. One, we don't have nearly enough eccentric billionaires partaking in outrageously zany endeavors. Two, a recent study suggests that 99% of the population suffers from "Just five more minutes, mom" syndrome. The other 1% are those perky morning people who enthusiastically wave to you while enjoying their early morning jog as you stumble out of your house having accidentally mistaken pancakes for delicious-smelling headphones. Is it too much to ask to be tired at night and well-rested in the morning?
7. New Law Rules Homework to Be Unconstitutional; Replaced with Naps
You know what we never want to do after 8 consecutive hours of learning? Learn. The notion of homework seems archaic. We've become a society obsessed with unfulfilled to-do lists. All of a sudden we're receiving dirty looks when we mention our mid-morning, mid-afternoon, and mid-mid-afternoon naps! What ever happened to "stop and smell the roses"...while sleeping?
8. 14 Reasons Why Awkward is the New Attractive.
Impeccable skin and chiseled bone structure are yesterday's news, while adorable clumsiness and emergency conversational fillers like, "Do you enjoy trees?" are considered muy caliente. This dream post isn't as farfetched as you'd think. The nerds have finally secured their revenge—geek is chic, and we're *this* close to making capes socially acceptable. Adorable awkwardness has become the new norm, so enjoy the revolution, Sparklers!
What's your dream SparkLife post?