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How To Tell a Boy You Don't Want To Be His Homecoming Date: A No-Tears Guide

How To Tell a Boy You Don't Want To Be His Homecoming Date: A No-Tears Guide

A boy just mustered the tremendous courage to ask you out as his homecoming date. You think he's a tremendous creep. What's a girl to do???

Without a gun or giant pair of pliers, there's no easy way to break a boy's heart. Most of us are restricted to rattling off shallow words of consolation, and words without thought, as Shakespeare said, "never to heaven go." He was basically illiterate. But your friends at SparkLife aren't, and we've prepared this handy guide to the DOs and DO NOT DOs of rejecting all those unworthy boys who will undoubtedly be asking you out for homecoming, and the rest of your life.

So! When a boy you don't want to date asks you out…

DO be honest with him. Just tell him straight-up: "I am a hologram. Better go ask someone real."

DO NOT expect a simple "No thank you" to suffice. This boy probably writes Pacific Rim fanfiction about you after class; he requires a more delicate touch. Instead, say "No thank you," then throw a bucket of sand into his eyes. Run away.

DO remember you have all the power in this transaction. Homecoming could turn out pretty well for you, if you play your cards right. In bodice/bonnet times, for example, a prospective suitor would have to earn his lady's approval by presenting a dowry of material goods and land titles. Inform your suitor of this custom, demanding "10,000 silver mcnuggets, exclusive lordship of GoatBloomers Manor, and the head of the traitor Domingo Dampfingers, Esq" within the fortnight. Jackpot.

DO NOT make an excuse for not being at homecoming just because you don't like the guy who asked. If you tell the poor nerd, "I can't go, I have to exhume my grandma for the family's annual Bedazzle The Dead party," and then he sees you at homecoming anyway, wrapped in the deodorized arms of Champ McBroHunk, you are officially an emotional terrorist. And that title doesn't look very sexy under a yearbook photo.

DO have some evidence on hand if you're truly unable to go with him. If you tell your suitor, for example, "I'm sorry…I can't join you. I'm allergic to fugly," producing a signed doctor's note will really drive the point home.

DO NOT tell him, "No, but you'd be a perfect date for my friend Derpolina!" Your rejection is hurtful enough. Trying to dodge the guilt by setting him up with a "consolation prize" is a selfish deflection maneuver that any self-respecting man could see right away, if his eyes weren't filled with scalding hot sand.

DO use body language as a conduit for your true emotions. A perfectly apt response to, "Will you go to the dance with me?" is inhaling deeply, silently glaring at your suitor for 8-12 seconds, then savagely projective vomiting all over his face.

take out your phone to film his reaction as you verbally shred his heart into bran flakes. A college recruiter could use this footage against you some day.

Finally, if you've taken all this advice to heart and still can't get the guy to leave you alone, DO memorize these words, and all will be put aright:

"Wow, [dude's name]…I truly appreciate your offer, and I think we'd have a lovely night together. But to be perfectly honest, there's someone else I'm really hoping to go with, and I want to give him a few more days to ask me. I know, that's selfish of me, and I have no excuse. But I'd hate to tell you 'yes' now only to cancel on you later, and I'm just too damn scared to give up hope on this guy—even though you are clearly the more proactive and courageous man of the two. I'm sorry. It's really not fair, but right now, it's what my greedy heart wants for me. I hope you understand."

As your suitor is nodding thoughtfully at your honest, impassioned answer, throw SO MUCH SAND in his eyes.

Happy homecoming.

Topics: Life
Tags: crushes, dates, awkward situations, homecoming, dances

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

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