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7 Signs That You're a College Freshman and NAILING IT

7 Signs That You're a College Freshman and NAILING IT

By Bo Larkin

We miss you, college freshman sparklers. Wait a minute...there are still computers at college? I guess our relationship hasn’t changed a bit! Other than the fact that you are now a big-shot, completely-nailing-it, campus all-star! Or are you? Let’s find out. Here are 7 signs that you are NAILING. IT:

You've got an awesome nickname. Everyone calls you The Man! This is great...if you're a dude. If you're a girl, you may not be nailing it.

You're already directing traffic. After just a few disorienting days on campus, you're completely map-free and have lost that deer-in-the-headlights newbie glow. Time to start your own campus tour business, you expert, you! Business is good, until your completely made-up historical events and arbitrary dates come to light. “In 1934, Johann Sebastian Bach wrote Star Wars Episode 4 while sitting on this very rock.” Wait a minute…that can’t be right.

You're not starving. Congratulations! You’ve managed not to blow your entire semester’s lunch money in a week, and at the same time you feel fully nourished. Way to make a smooth transition from mom’s daily home-cooked meals to self-sustenance. Warning! A diet consisting entirely of Easy Mac and ramen noodles is not going to be great in the long term. Remember to occasionally channel your mother’s advice: Eat your vegetables, and stop reading in the dark.

Your room is clean. Even without your parents breathing down your neck, you’ve managed to maintain your dorm room nicely, a testament to a fine, upstanding freshman amidst a sea of...Nailing It! Ok, so you secretly made a deal with the weird girl who always wears a one-piece jumpsuit and bridal veil to clean your room in exchange for a yet-t0-be-determined "favor"—but how could that decision possibly come back to haunt you? When she finally tries to cash in, just invest in a fake mustache. “I am not the freshman you’re looking for,” you'll say when she comes to find you. Unfortunately, certifiable crazy people are impervious to the Jedi mind trick.

Your clothes are clean. You've managed to stay fresh and clean, thanks to the power of Febreze. Way to maintain, you totally-Nailing-It-freshman! Your roommate was DEFINITELY talking about someone else when she said, “She smells like a flower garden planted in a dumpster."

You've got perfect attendance. Despite the very lax attendance policies of college classes, you have yet to miss a single course. Nailed It! Just don’t develop a high and mighty attitude that leads you to designate yourself Official Attendance Taker and Dean of Nailing It, giving unsolicited daily reports on your classmates'  whereabouts to your professors. Becoming public enemy number one at your school: Failing It.

You've got a great relationship with your roommate. You two are totally BFFs. You’ve helped her organize her schedule, you've Febrezed her clothes even though she didn't ask, and you've helpfully watched her sleep, just to make sure she doesn't wake up thirsty and unprepared. You’ve managed to keep all the “bad people pretending to be your friends” away from her, and…OMG, something must have happened! You’ve texted her 39 times in the past 6 minutes, and haven't received a single reply! Time to call her mom.

Are you totally NAILING IT in the new school year?

Topics: Life, Back to School
Tags: college, back to school, roommates, ridiculous things, how to be awesome, bad ideas, dorm life, being awesome

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.