Notebooks, pencils, binders, and paper are all pretty average school supplies. They’ll get you through your classes in one piece, but that’s about it. But getting through school with your sanity intact? You basically need to be Bear Grylls to do that. Outfitting yourself with the following supplies will make sure you have at least a fighting chance of having a good year:
1. Bat: For sports practice, and also for slamming your locker shut.
2. Very long pencil: If it’s more than a yard long, it’ll be hard to lose and will last the whole year.
3. A copy of Aziz Ansari’s latest comedy special: self-explanatory.
4. A handful of knuckle bandages: Just in case you have to fight a bully after school, and punch a wall by accident.
5. Bulk-sized bottle of ibuprofen: Because the nurse treats this stuff like a hard street drug. You only want to cure a headache, not become the leader of a cartel.
6. Sports bra: Specifically for those days when gym means running the seven-mile cross-country circuit.
7. Tissues: Useful for when you start to sob uncontrollably from the stress of finals week, or not winning homecoming queen (or winning homecoming queen).
8. Latex-free medical gloves: Science class can get really, really gross.
9. Gushers: Because you might need the sugar rush. Also, they are tasty.
10. Waterproof poncho: You’ll look like an idiot wearing one of these, but at least you’ll be a dry idiot.
11. Snuggie: Perfect for movie days in class.
12. Many, many rubber bands: Rubber bands are to school what towels are to the universe in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
13. Spare pair of jeans: You will spill something on your pants, and it will make an embarrassing stain, or your friend will accidentally rip a crotch hole in her jeans and forever owe you a favor if you can come through with a spare. Be prepared.
14. Turtle food: For when you need to steal the rival school’s mascot.
15. 64-count box of crayons: For more joyful note-taking.
16. Glitter: In case you’re feeling fabulous, or your club poster needs some extra pizzazz.
17. An aluminum head massager: Some days your hair feels ridiculously heavy, and this helps.
18. A large and heavy book: In the event that you need to look very smart, busy, and important. Handy for creeping on boys or avoiding a lecture from the librarian about wasting time.
19. Barbecue sauce: You’re veggie burger may look sad, but at least it tastes okay. Well, not okay, but at least it’s edible.
20. Bronzer: Nice to have when it’s the dead of winter, and your skin is as grey as a dreary cloud.
What's in your school survival kit?