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6 Teachers You'll Meet this School Year

6 Teachers You'll Meet this School Year

By Bo Larkin

What’s more stressful than being a student transitioning from months of long, sun-soaked summer days to the rigid, brisk pace of the fall semester? Oh I don’t know, maybe being a teacher who just traded a work-free, student-free, stress-free life for—well, you know…school. Let’s pay homage to those warriors of academia, ninjas of knowledge, wizards of wisdom—by making fun of them! Here are six teachers we bet will sound all too familiar:

1. Wrestling With Numbers. This math teacher doesn’t have time to change before coaching wrestling practice, and eventually you'll stop noticing how odd it is to be learning algebra from a man in barely decent mesh shorts with a whistle dangling from his neck. It's common for him to yell things like “DON'T JUST SOLVE FOR X, TAKE X DOWN TO THE GROUND !” or just let loose with a random “Ugh!” once in a while. He's quite proud of his bulging biceps, and considers the influx of disoriented new students each fall as a great way to show them off. “Excuse me, Mr. Hogan, can you tell me where the bathroom is?” “Why yes, puny confused one. It’s—THAT A-WAY!” *raises arm, flexes, rotates fist outward and points*

2. Cool Creative Writing Teacher. CCWT is a rebellious artist...all grown up and trusted (for now) with a respected position of authority. You may actually get in trouble for being on time every day, because “rules are meant to be broken. Channel that into your writing.” Homework consists of promising to watch the sunset, writing an essay on the prevalence of lame excuses in society, then feeding it to your dog, at which point you're required to stop to smell the roses. The lack of structure in this teacher’s Easy A class makes you start to wonder if he ever actually went to school himself. He failed your class valedictorian to prove a point...a point that was never actually made clear.

3. Bueller? The most…boring…teacher…EVER. You fondly remember that one really exciting day...when a butterfly flew past the window. His monotonous voice drones on for the entire period without even a hint of humor, irony, or human emotion. Social studies has great potential to be fascinating, but all this robot can think to make you do is memorize all the countries of South America in alphabetical order. Right now. “Focus, humans of earth. No one is leaving until we recite them correctly and simultaneously.”

4. Hot Teacher. Her English class is comprised entirely of males hanging on every last word she says. The same guy who was just throwing paper airplanes behind Bueller’s back is now standing before the class reciting Shakespeare with perfect rhythm and diction. Her conversion rate of students to writers is astounding, with no evidence of superior intellect supporting this phenomenon. She's just really hot.

5. The Paddler. Aren’t we all lucky the law prohibits this teacher from “educating” us with her favorite tool of the trade, a paddle named “The Naughty Remover”? Favorite teaching methods included making students sit in the front row, TURNED AROUND; seating students in the corner while making them wear a “dunce cap,” and, of course, just flat-out hitting her first graders. In this litigious day and age, she has to make do with screaming at students till they cry.

6. Music Used To Be Fun. Until this brilliant musician’s visions of conducting the Chicago Symphony Orchestra were dashed by real life, where he not doesn't so much conduct as adds a bit of baton-waving flare to the cacophony produced by whimsical woodwinds, unpredictable percussionists, and beastly, blaring brass. His inevitable meltdown will make you glad for the second time today that paddles are a thing of the past.

What's the deal with your weirdest teacher?

Topics: Life, Back to School
Tags: teachers, back to school, school, classes, ridiculous things

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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