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What Your Purse Says About You

What Your Purse Says About You

Shoulder bag: Sometimes you wonder if you have magical powers. You’re all, wait a minute, did I just make that happen with my mind? So far it’s impossible to tell because it never works when you deliberately try to change the world with your magic-brain-abilities, but then other times things fall perfectly into place and you’re like I know I did that with my powers.

Bowling: You love the smell of Febreeze. You think it would make a good perfume or body oil. Sometimes you spray it on clothes that aren’t even that dirty just so you can smell “Fresh & Clean,” or “Exotic,” or “Allergen Reducer.”

Messenger bag: Up until recently, you favorite animal fact was that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo and nobody knows why. You loved telling people this until last week when you Googled the info and found out it was a big ol' myth. Now you’re wondering why you ever believed a blurb from a chain-email from your grandfather without fact-checking it first, and if you should go hunt everyone down you told this misinformation to and set them straight. Nah, you’ll let them figure it out on their own.

Clutch: Mind over matter. Glitter over mind.

Glitter. Over. Everything.

Tote: Maybe I’ll make jewelry, you sometimes think while staring off into the distance and contemplating your adult life. Maybe I’ll make jewelry and have a French boyfriend who is a tea designer, yes, he mixes certain teas together to create signature drinks for electronic musician Moby’s drink line Teany. And then you think about how strange the term “electronic musician” is and what a confusing/sheltered time the '90s was in America.

Duffel: You should learn to take a compliment.

Hobo: You know this girl, and she’s perfect. Like gets everything she wants, always looks cute, seems to have it all figured out, but yet she’s always upset about something. It’s so strange to you. She complains about her perfect boyfriend or the fact that she got a 98 instead of an 100 on a recent test. Sometimes you just want to shake her and say, “WAKE UP WOMAN, YOU’RE LIVING A FAIRYTALE!” But you’re too paralyzed by the absurdity of it all.

Backpack: Lately you've been consumed, obsessed even, with a choice on your horizon. A personal life choice. You keep wanting to "trust your gut," but it's not telling you anything. Well we are here to say: it doesn’t matter which one you pick. We’re all just waiting for you to pick one. JUST CHOOSE. And then start moving forward.

Beach bag: Once, over a holiday meal, your cousin made a joke where instead of saying “Life’s A Beach,” like the famous tourist-shop mantra, he said “Life’s a Belch,” and burped the ending. You, unaware of the plethora of posters, coffee mugs, and tank tops sporting this lifestyle anthem, took his joke seriously. Life’s a belch? You asked yourself. Quick and shocking? Simultaneously alienating and comforting? You have been living your life ruled by this metaphor for four years counting.

Change Purse: GIRL WHERE IS ALL YOUR STUFF? HOW ARE YOU EXISTING IN THIS WORLD WITHOUT A BUNCH OF ACCESSORIES??? They shout at you as you casually stroll through life with out the physical weight of unnecessary consumerist items pulling you down. You’re cool as a cucumber and laid back as an eggplant. Until you need to make a phone call (can I use your cell phone?), present a valid ID, have chapped lips, get into your house with your set of keys, etc.

Topics: Fashion
Tags: personality, purses, what your ____ says about you

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

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