Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You can never really be sure how someone will react to a romantic overture, Aries. After all, you can't tell the future, because if you could, you wouldn't be reading our horoscopes (unless you were doing opposition research for one of our competitor sites, SnarkNotes or SporkNotes). This month, the byzantine and eternal wisdom of the stars foretells that you will let the dog out and the dog will run around and then come back in and will want to go out again. This will happen because of Universe Reasons. Furthermore, you will go on a date and put your foot in your mouth, and then someone else will put your foot in your mouth in the other kind of way. Your lucky foot is former President pro tempore of the Senate Solomon Foot. Your rap name for the month is Busta Mimes.