The DOs and DON'Ts of '90s Fashion!
Stop, collaborate, and listen: '90s fashion. It's back. Floral-pocketed baggy jeans, velvet hats, bodysuits, THE WORKS. The high commissioners of fashion have spoken: The youth of America will all be appropriating the sights and scrunchies of the '90s for their personal amusement this fall. And we here at Spark Central will gladly be your spirit guides through this confusing fashion season. Here are the dos and don'ts of '90s street style!
Wear florals. If the '90s has anything going for it, it is the bounty of pretty faded floral prints that were available in babydoll dresses and jean pockets. Yes, jean pockets!
Wear round sunglasses. What's cool about ol' John Lennon sunnies is that in the '90s, we were wearing them like "REMEMBER THE '60s?" but now, it's like "REMEMBER THE ... REMEMBER THE '90s?!" with a subtle extra layer of irony thrown in. Very good for rounding out chubby faces like ours.
The crop top. I don't care what other people say, this can ONLY be pulled off in the teen years, so ride that horse while ye can, marigolds. Just beware of the crop top to baggy jeans chasm—do not leave your bellybutton completely unattended.
Bangles, bangles, bangles. Yes, yes, yes. Ideally, your friends should hear you coming from 400 feet away.
Wear hammer pants. We used to call them "happy pants" and also "poo catchers." Whatever your lingua franca, we cannot abide any pants that come with room to store a spare hoppity hop ball. Perhaps instead you could look at some of the slightly more tasteful loose printed trousers that have just arrived from 1995.
Let your guard down around vests. Beware, Sparklers, this is dangerous territory in which waists are lost and never seen again.
Wear overalls. This is a call for the video judge, but we are coming down on the side of "no" to overalls, because they are so fraught with risks of camel toe and buttcrack curtaining. EVEN PROS HAVE FAILED. They also break the aforementioned rule of hoppity hop ball storage.
Attempt Winona Ryder's Reality Bites haircut. Okay, you can try it, just know that many before you have failed. Oy, she looks cute though.
Men's shirts. In the '90s, there were no such things as "boyfriend shirts"; people just put on whatever terrible blousy things they could find in their dads' closet. You have been warned—unless you want to take off in the next gust of wind, you will need to limit the number of baggy items you don at the one time. SEE WHY?
Slap bands. Didn't you hear what happened to this guy?
What are your fav '90s fashions?