Skip over navigation

Are These Items On Your College Checklist?

Are These Items On Your College Checklist?

By Bo Larkin

We wish all you college-bound Sparklers good luck this fall! Whether you're jumping off the walls with excitement or are petrified to take that step into the great unknown, you have to be prepared for anything the next four years may throw your way. Owl? Check. Wand? You’re still waiting for one to choose you. Invisibility cloak? Let’s just say it’s more of a…regular cloak. Sorry, Muggle, but there are a few items that the orientation handbooks always forget to mention.Whether you're heading to Hogwarts College (HOW? WHERE? LET US IN), Cleveland Clown College, or some other accredited institute of higher learning, here are a few items you may have left off your list:

Pet Otter. I mean, who else will have a pet otter? Your dorm room will be known as the "Otterman Empire," where you and your roommate will start a revolutionary group known as “Zee Otter Vons” (say it in your best European accent). Your mission? To expose the atrocities that hawks and other avian predators have committed against the otter population.

All Sorts of Ninja Stuff. We’ve all dreamed about being a ninja someday, and guess what: now's the time. Nobody has to know that your sensei is actually your mom, or that your Japanese Shinobi training camp was actually more of a...rural Arkansas band camp. Everything will be fine until an actual ninja enrolls at your school, and everyone demands you have a public ninja duel.

Dental Floss. Lots of it. You never know when the world could suddenly realize the immense value dental floss holds, and take to the streets like rogue Gollums, scouring every market and convenience store in town for “my precious” roll of Oral-B. It could happen, really.

Really Cool Poster. This is the most important item on the list. Without a cool poster, there's no way anyone will know, for instance, that you're the biggest Taylor Swift fan in existence, even though you start every conversation with, “OMG, did you see what TS tweeted today?” and constantly wear slippers featuring handmade twin Taylor heads blankly smiling up at the world. People need to fully understand your level of enthusiasm for the prolific pop icon. Only a Really Cool Poster will make this happen.

Sugar. What if your dorm neighbor needs to borrow a cup of sugar?

Febreze. Also known as the lazy man’s laundry detergent, Febreze eliminates the monotonous task of doing laundry, freeing up time in your schedule to formulate a solid rebuttal to your roommate’s rude Tweet about you. You’ll show HER who smells like floral B.O.!

Personal Chef. It’s hard to find time to cook your own food, so just hire someone to do it for you! Fly him in on your private jet and house him in one of your unused homes, where he can live off diamond-encrusted croissants and gold leaf. Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t have a money tree? How tragic.

What's the most important thing on your college checklist?

Topics: Back to School
Tags: college, back to school, shopping, ridiculous things, funny things, back-to-school shopping

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!


About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.