7 Things To Say When Your Friend Gets A Heinous Haircut
Because we're all about to trot merrily back to school, there are a couple of perils we need to be on the lookout for. Chief among them: tags on the butts of our new pants that we forgot to chuck, and heinous haircuts. It's natural to want to get your mane re-did for the new year—swimming pools are awesome, but not so kind to our tresses. We've all had to contend with a stylist getting a little too, how shall we say, choppy, and as a result we own several magical headbands and scarves that work as temporary fixes. What do you say, however, when the Einstein cut sits not on your own head, but on a friend's? We're here to save you from friendship-ending comments like "Girl, you look BEAT," or worse still, stupefied silence. Read on for 7 ways to deal with your friend in the face of their terrible haircut.
1. Lie To Them
An oldie but a goodie. When presented with the aforementioned terrible cut, grin, bear it, and be like, "Yeah, you look exactly like Rihanna. Twinsies!"
2. Distract Them
This tip also works when it comes to fending off furious bears. Instead of commenting on their buzz cut, point at something behind them and say, "Is that an ACTUAL RAPTOR?" Then run away.
3. Confuse Them
Rather than comment on their upside-down-pot-of-spaghetti hair, start doing the moonwalk and speaking in a made-up language. This one works even better if you cannot do the moonwalk very well/at all.
4. Smother Them
Who needs to tell your buddy what you think of her haircut when instead you can wrap her up in your arms and squeeze her and squeeze her and squeeze her until she maybe passes out! Crisis averted.
5. Entertain Them
All your years of standup comedy class have been leading to this. She asks how her hair looks, and you ask if she's heard the one about the Eskimo and the Accountant. Thank goodness you always carry a hilarious bag of props with you!
6. Soothe Them
If her haircut is as bad as we're assuming it is, she might be crying when she shows up on your doorstep. Get in touch with your emotions, weep with her, feign a fainting spell, demand smelling salts, discuss why exactly the Victorian concept of a fainting couch is no more...by this point, she'll be both calm AND distracted (see #2).
7. Fight Them
She asks, "Is my hair as bad as I think it is?" and you respond with "IS MY ROUNDHOUSE KICK PAINFUL WHEN IT HITS YOUR OREO STORAGE CONTAINER?" She'll be very confused by this, giving you a three-second headstart on winning the fight.
All joking aside, what would you say to a friend who was upset about their haircut?