Welcome back to school, you drooling horde of psychos! LOL! J/K! I was told by Principal Sanders to keep this letter "light" and maybe start off with a joke. Anyway, I am very excited to begin another year with you brats. There have been many exciting changes to the cafeteria and to our meal program.
First, I am looking forward to showing off the skills I learned in night classes this past summer. Although I was kicked out of culinary school 12 years ago (I maintain my innocence in the "Sawdust is the Secret Ingredient Scandal" of '01), I learned a LOT about foodstuffs at the State Penitentiary. I vow to wow and amaze each and every one of you—not just with my culinary expertise, but with my ability to make a shiv out of commonplace school supplies like textbooks and protractors. Fascinating stuff.
Unfortunately, we had to discontinue the following menu items:
Flank Steak Parmagiana
Lima Bean Dream Smoothies
Hot Dog Chili with Pumpernickel Toast
"Miscellaneous Crap Thrown Into Boiling Water"
Christmas Omelets with Banana Gravy
I know a lot of you will miss these items, but according to Principal Sanders they were "gross" and made him "uncontrollably vomit" until he "could no longer hear out of both ears" and needed "a high dose of antibiotics" to "regain feeling in his tongue again." Whatever, Principal Sanders!
I am very pleased to announce that renovations on the cafeteria have been completed. We now have the space to squeeze in six more tables for students that bathe infrequently or who speak at a volume that can't be tolerated by normal people. We also have a brand new George Foreman grill that will be set up on the East side. The grill is perfect for paninis, burgers, or if you'd just like to press your hand on high heat in order to feel something other than the pain of my husband sleeping with my neighbor.
One last addition to this year's cafeteria is a bulletin board for important announcements. The staff and I have been encouraged to utilize this bulletin board, so to help start it off I have posted Principal Sanders' home address and telephone number. Feel free to tell him how great I am and how much he smells when he comes inside from standing in the rain too long. I'm sure he'd love to hear your voice. We live in a democracy, after all, and having your voice heard is the next best thing to being seen publicly picking your nose by your boss who may or may not be named Principal Sanders.
OK, I think I am rambling at this point. Let's have a great school year. Study hard! Eat well! And remember to bring your own forks, because ours are covered in potentially deadly spores! Go get 'em, kids!
Anne the Lunch Lady
What's your cafeteria lunch lady like?