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Friday Awards: We're All Humans Here

Friday Awards: We're All Humans Here

By Abbey Clarke

Hey-o, Sparklers! It’s your favorite time of the week—time for Friday Awards! If you’re not familiar with the Friday Awards, they are awards that we give out every week to those who have posted the most amazing, witty comments of the week. Winners recline on fainting couches made of clouds in eternal bliss while being fed grapes by their celebrity crush of choice.

But enough talk! Let’s get down to business.

We begin with a Mean Girls homage. Whoniverse11 wins the Cleverest Clever Reference award for this comment on this post about Mean Girls in 29 minutes:

When does quoting Mean Girls get annoying? The limit does not exist.

IAmEternal wins the Best Analogy award for this comment on our post about how Facebook might not be “cool” anymore:

Leaving FaceBook is like trying to leave an overly attached significant other. Their desperation to make to stay is pathetic.

The Like, Literally award goes to Smartvegetable for this comment on this post:

I literally cannot believe that literally's definition might literally be changed to a different meaning than literally.... Literally? I'm literally not even literally sure if literally is literally a literal word anymore.

timey_wimey_stuff wins the Rightfully Concerned award for this witty comment on our post about which celebrity has the biggest heart:

Hopefully they all have roughly the same sized heart.

Cardiomegaly is no laughing matter.

Though this comment is a little long, we’re posting it in its entirety because it is truly epic. skiingduckExpert gets the Incredibly Mature Perspective award for this comment in response to some Bieber-hating comments on the same post as above:

Though I am no Justin Bieber fan, I must say that I find your criticism of him a little harsh. He is an idiotic, hormonal, know-it-all teenaged boy....which makes him exactly like nearly every other teenaged male in my acquaintance!

Now I know that he can be rude and that he sometimes says thoughtless things, but that does not make him a horrible human being. Smoking pot is not usually seen as good behavior (and I do not condone it), but blaming him for the fact that fanatical girls started cutting themselves over him is a bit of a stretch.

Yes, he is in the public eye and yes, that means that we expect a certain level of behavior from him, but if he misses our expectations, should we immediately dismiss him as a blight to humanity?

Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, and Lenin were horrible human beings. Their actions caused the deaths of MILLIONS of people, the destruction of families, and caused wars. Justin Bieber has done what? He has been late to a concert, smoked pot, and walked around shirtless! He has also granted hundreds of Wishes and spent time with ill fans, all the while trying to deal with the incredible burden of ridiculous fan that was thrust on him at an incredibly young age.

I will close with this, to call someone a horrible human being in a grave statement. Basing your assumption on the fact that he makes the same mistakes that almost every teenager makes seems to create a very bleak picture of the world. If every rude, inconsiderate, stupid teenager is a horrible human being, I am incredibly surprised that humanity has been able to survive the last 100 years at all.

We’re slow clapping over here. Remember, kids: just because someone is a jerk or produces music that you don’t enjoy does not mean that unadulterated hatred is the answer. We’re all humans here.

To end things on a lighter note, we present a bonus award. The Movie Pitch Most Likely to Get Picked Up And Make a Bazillion $$$ award goes to timey_wimey_stuff (double congrats!) for this comment on this post on style at the Teen Choice Awards:

Rebel Wilson and Jennifer Lawrence should totally do a movie together.

I bet it would be epic.

That it would, timey_wimey. That it certainly would. Even I would pay money to see that, and I am a renowned pennypincher. Pennies hate me. Have a great weekend, everybody!

What would be your dream celebrity movie pairing?

Topics: The Internets
Tags: awards, sparklers, the friday awards, friday, friday awards

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About the Author
Abbey Clarke

Abbey Clarke is a writer and editorial assistant living in Jersey City. She's a player on a D&D podcast called Knife Errant, wrote her senior thesis on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and is working on a novel about a semi-reformed demon who runs a library. You can follow her on Twitter at @abbeybookaholic.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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