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A Review of "How to Kiss With Passion"

A Review of "How to Kiss With Passion"

Maybe in this day and age people prefer to ask the YouTube how to do everything instead of asking their big sisters or step moms, but listen y'all, the only thing you're going to learn from watching a YouTube kissing tutorial is that YouTube kissing tutorials are excruciating to watch. It's like the cruciatus curse up in here, and we can't let you off the hook, because someone else has to experience this pain with us.

There are fundamental issues that have nothing to do with how bad this video is, like the fact that watching two random people full on MO or just gently peck at each other's faces is gross. If we don't know you, we don't like to watch you eat each other's mouths on a park bench or next to us at a school dance. Ew and a half, okay? Movies do an okay job of showing good kissing. One, we know and love the characters so we're like, yay! Get some! This is great! Two, they are good at kissing, so it is not painful to watch, and three, no one onscreen-kisses better than Jake Gylenhall period end of story. (Except for Angelina, but she has such wonderful stuff to work with.)

Here are several hundred problems with this video:

-"Angle your faces to avoid crunching noses?" If this isn't sort of an inherent skill like closing your eyes while sneezing, wouldn't the actual act of pressing your noses end to end be kind of hard? and then your mouths wouldn't reach. Also, "crunching"? Gross.

-"Find someone you're passionate about":  Thanks. Unless you have to do it for a play or something, please don't tenderly kiss someone on a couch that you absolutely hate and feel uncomfortable with. Got it.

-Why are there "Steps"? This isn't like making a pie. Step one: lean in, step two: stop leaning in, step three: un-crunch your noses, step four: close your eyes and just go for it, step five: go into the kitchen and make a pie, you're killing us.

-That dude swallows weirdly half way through. Uuughhh he's so totally obviously uncomfortable he forgot to breathe right and his Adam's apple just went up and down and it was weird. If you need to swallow excess saliva, pull away for a minute and make it look like you're staring deeply into her eyes. This is only acceptable if you are Spider Man and you're upside down kissing Mary Jane, because if you don't swallow, you'll drown. It's raining for Pete's sake.

"Breathe through your nose": You have someone else's mouth on your mouth. Which other orifice were you planning on breathing out of?

-Is this video supposed to be funny? It's so not funny.

-They're bad at kissing. So, you know, QUEL EST LE POINT please.

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Topics: Life
Tags: guides, kissing, youtube, making out, tutorials, videos

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About the Author
Sara Jonsson

Sara Jonsson is a Brooklyn-based writer, storyteller, and comic-book-movie lover. She can sometimes be found hosting variety shows, or writing web series about girls waiting in bathroom lines. She is from Montana and and dreams of one day interior designing ranch houses for a living.

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