Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It's back-to-school season, Aries! Keep your back to your school at all times. Do not make eye contact under any circumstances. Keep your chin up, and keep your nose down, because this will cause you to make a hilarious face, and that will brighten everyone's day. Keep your eyes all crazy. Your little-known fact of the month is: Honey doesn't spoil, ever, except in the sense that it spoils you, by making you expect more delicious honey. Your lucky invention is the Neck Brush, which attaches to a child's neck and cleans it using intense discomfort and/or magic.