School’s right around the corner, which means we’re all going to have to start rolling out of bed at ungodly hours, flailing spastically and ruing the day we set Ke$ha’s Tik Tok as our iPhone alarm. There’s a difference between crawling out of bed in a half-asleep stupor and leaping out of bed, raring to go and screaming war chants, and it starts with song selection. You don’t want a song that’s going to lull you back to sleep. You also don’t want some dubstep remix that’s going to give your semiconscious self a 6 AM heart attack. So I took it upon myself to test-drive songs in search of The One, with the results being less than stellar.
I thought this would be a good idea because it starts off soft and then becomes a raging riot storm in your ears, and what’s better than that on a dreary Monday morning to put you in the mood for butt-kicking? It turns out it’s not a good idea. In fact, it was downright alarming. (You can punch me in the face for that one if you like, but I stand by it.) It did, however, get me out of bed, albeit shell-shocked and twitchy and convinced that the end was near.
Watch John Mulaney’s "The Salt and Pepper Diner," and you’ll understand how I happened upon this song as a viable option. And boy, did I ever regret it. This song slapped me in the face from its very first borderline manic “WHOOOA-OOA,” and I hated it and also myself.
I can personally attest that being ripped from a Ryan-Gosling-as-my-summer-camp-counselor dream by THIS SONG at 6 AM made me want to punch someone right in their ukulele. But it also instilled in me the kind of anger that launches a person right out of bed so they can spread that anger around, aggressively fashioning Belgian waffles out of rage and whipped cream. So I guess that’s something.
I thought this would be funny, but it wasn’t funny. It was agonizing, mostly because Late Night Elodie and Morning Elodie have completely different priorities. Late Night Elodie is giggly and prone to thoughts such as, “Hey, you know what would be funny? ‘Here Comes the Sun’ at the butt-crack of dawn! This is going to be hilarious! No one has ever thought of this before!” Morning Elodie, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to continue sleeping in a burrito blanket formation after drop-kicking the phone halfway across the room.
I thought this song would ease me gently into the day, and it did. But it carried me so gently from unconsciousness to semi-consciousness, as if on a cloud-like pillow of the finest silk, that I dropped right back into unconsciousness and fell asleep with my phone on my face and Bruno Mars as the soundtrack to my dream, with strong convictions of never getting up or doing anything, ever.
Final verdict: I didn’t find the song that will unfailingly start my day off right, but I still believe it exists. It’s out there somewhere, and I will find it. And when I do, I will every morning rise like a phoenix born from the ashes, and each new day will be everything I’ve ever wanted it to be and more.
Have you discovered the perfect phone-alarm wake-me-up song? If so, PLEASE SHARE.