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84 MORE Awesomely Horrible Things to Say Before Kissing Someone

84 MORE Awesomely Horrible Things to Say Before Kissing Someone

By Erik Bergstrom

1.  Me and my dog switched bodies.

2.  My breath is so bad it’s good.

3.   While kissing, you can’t see how much nose hair I have.

4.  I’m pretty good at catching tongues.

5.  I am possessed by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

6.  I bet you a dollar I can make you swallow my gum.

7.  You’re so cute when you’re about to get clubbed over the head by that guy over there.

8.  I once ate 30 pennies. Not even on a bet.

9.  Can you believe I can still talk with all this creamed corn in my mouth?

10. Where’s my tinfoil hat? Oh no, the aliens are seizing control.

11. Kiss me, I’m sick.

12. I’m going to close my eyes so I can pretend you’re someone I actually like.

13. I’m known for throwing up when nervous. Let’s find out how nervous I am.

14. I tweezed my unibrow for this moment.

15. If beans are a magical fruit, I’m about to be a very powerful wizard.

16. I like my kisses to just be us rubbing gums and teeth.

17. Do I have garlic breath? Good, die vampire!

18. That sardine eating contest was fun!

19. Is my tongue supposed to be green?

20. You’re so cute I crapped my pants.

21. Can you clean the food in between my teeth?

22. Guess how many push-pins I’m hiding in my mouth!

23. I hate you.

24. My dad can beat up your dad.

25. Ever swallow a live goldfish?

26. I can cough up a hairball.

27. My tongue feels like a raisin.

28. I live in the park.

29. I have to pee right NOW!

30. My tooth could fall out any second now.

31. I’m wearing a wig made from my dad’s back hair.

32. Not only do I smell like cheese...

33. I’m a shark *chomp chomp chomp*.

34. Every time I take a shower my boils act up.

35. I just want to hug you until the voices stop.

36. I can see... danger... so much... why did I eat so much Taco Bell.

37. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to get the handcuffs off before our date.

38. Sometimes I pretend to be a lamp.

39. I floss just to make sure there’s blood in my mouth.

40. I shouldn’t have eaten all those ants.

41. I can fart the alphabet.

42. Want to see a cool scab?

43. I’m the evil twin.

44. I’ll give you a kiss, but you have to fight that bear right after.

45. Can you believe they make poison lipstick?

46. Plungers are for people without hands.

47. My lips are like dry leather.

48. You’re a great imaginary friend.

49. Sometimes I hide jalapenos in my cheeks.

50. My friends are about to pour gravy on you.

51. I have more eyes than a spider.

52. 2+2 = ROBOT ATTACK!!!

53. Here are some facts about skunks...

54. Would you believe that both of my eyes are glass?

55. Can you believe that all it takes to summon The One Who Cannot be named is a kiss?

56. I’m known ‘round these parts as “Ol’ Sandpaper Tongue.”

57. Pterodactyl attack!

58. I’m the mayor... of butts!

59. There’s a bomb in my mouth. Choose wisely...

60. I just drank all the water out of that tunafish can over there.

61. You seem pretty real for a virtual reality program.

62. An old puppet maker brought me to life. For evil!

63. You’ll never defeat my army of pigeons.

64. In my mind our babies are already unaffordable.

65. It’s a trap!

66. My face smells like shredded pork.

67. A mime lives under my bed.

68. I have teeth like a rapid badger.

69. Pretend I’m not an old man wearing a mask.

70. Soup. That’s what I’ll think of while kissing you.

71. It’s like sumo-wrestling, but with our faces.

72. In space no one can hear you scream.

73. The scientists have been shrunk down and are in a submarine-like vehicle. To transfer them from my body to yours, all we need is a kiss.

74. I’m ready for my first kiss, you ugly jerk!

75. I come from a long line of kissers. My father was a kisser and his father before him.

76. What’s mono?

77. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Catch the marbles!

78. Guess what I ate for dinner. I’ll give you a clue: it rhymes with sliverwurst...

79. The 4th little piggy built their house out of tongues.

80. I wonder what cat litter is made out of.

81. Your ex sent me to make you sad.

82. Do you believe in reincarnation? I used to be a three-toed sloth.

83. Lordy lordy, can you believe the size of that gorilla?

84. Let’s see if this makes the screaming in my head stop...

Check out 66 Awesomely Horrible Things to Say Before Kissing Someone!

Topics: Life
Tags: kissing, horrible things, awkward situations, lists, making out, embarrassing situations

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About the Author
Erik Bergstrom

Erik Bergstrom is a comedian and illustrator who lives in New York City. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Time Out New York, on VH1, Buzzfeed.com, boingboing.net, and as a blogger for Comedy Central's Indecison 2012. His book Grimmer Tales has been released Penguin Books.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.