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Auntie SparkNotes: Why Does He Put on the Brakes Every Time Things Get Steamy?

Auntie SparkNotes: Why Does He Put on the Brakes Every Time Things Get Steamy?

By kat_rosenfield

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

I have a slightly awkward problem. I have a boyfriend, and I love him very much. We have been together for more than six months and my problem is that I want to do it. You know. The HND.

I mean, that's not exactly the problem. It's that when things start to get hot and steamy, he stops. Completely. But when we're not doing anything and just sitting around watching tv, he likes to try to get under articles of my clothing. I don't know why at the randomest times he likes to try to touch me, but when I actually really want him to, he doesn't. I'm positive I'm being pretty clear about what I want to do since he likes to mock the... er... noises I make when he does things. Is it that he isn't ready? Is he just playing? How do I hint I want something more without actually saying "HEY I WANNA DO IT"? Is it weird that I want to do it and he doesn't seem to? Or does he not even like me physically? Because honestly, for the longest time, I was worried that he wasn't into me that way. Through the countless make out sessions, I never once felt him get a badger. And through Sparklife I learned that wow, hey! They happen to boys all the time! And I was conflicted but then well, it finally popped up a little while ago. (Awkward, weird yay?) Does he just hide it well?

Also: Even though I wanna do it, I'm kind of worried about it hurting. I'm just wondering how much it hurts and how many times it takes for it not to hurt anymore. I'm a virgin and so is he. (Don't worry, we're both 18.)

And ugggh, I don't understand. I hope you can answer my question and that it's not too weird for Sparklife.

Oh, come now, little grasshopper! Don't you guys know by now that nothing is too weird for SparkLife? ...Well, okay, almost nothing. I will admit, grudgingly, that this might be too weird. But everything else? FAIR GAME.

And as to your questions, let's answer the second and simplest one first: when it comes to the HND, your first time is typically the only time you have to worry about pain (although, as with any new physical activity, things might feel a little peculiar down there until your body gets used to it.) And it may hurt a little, or more than a little, or not even a little; whether or not you experience pain depends upon the particulars of your anatomy and the condition of your hymen. But you can take comfort in two things: first, that the discomfort of first-time sex has never been enough to stop anyone from doing it, and second, that a considerate partner will make sure your first time is pleasurable before there's any pain involved.

Only that's the real problem here: we're not talking about a considerate partner. We're talking about a dude the description of whom set off every single Bad Boyfriend alarm in the known universe. And while Auntie SparkNotes generally tries to avoid these sorts of judgments based on secondhand information, in this case I think it must be said:

Honey, this guy has ISSUES.

Whether he wants to have sex isn't the point; the point is, he apparently doesn't want you to want to. All the bizarre behavior you describe has one thing in common: it discourages you from taking the reins on your sex life, and keeps him in control. That's why he stops cold the moment you get aroused, that's why he mocks you for making noise, and that's why he only wants to touch you when you're obviously not into it. Your boyfriend might want to do things to you, but he doesn't want to do them with you—and considering how quickly he shuts down even the suggestion of desire on your part, it's no wonder you're feeling frustrated. He's doing an excellent job of setting up your sex life as a one-man puppet show in which he holds all the strings.

Which, not to put too fine a point on it, is seriously messed up.

All of which is to say: have sex if you want to, Sparkler, but please, for the love of glob, not with this guy. This guy needs a straightforward talking-to about how shaming and power plays have no place in a relationship—or better yet, this guy needs to be dumped in favor of a boyfriend who isn't actually the worst. Everything he's doing points to a deeply unhealthy, manipulative attitude toward sex and sexuality, and a person who approaches the HND like that is not a person with whom you want to have your first experience... or any experience, for that matter. Because whether it's your first time or your thousandth, life is too short to spend getting naked with jerks.

Got something to add? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, relationships, dating, jerks, virginity, hnd

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About the Author
kat_rosenfield

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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