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66 Awesomely Horrible Things to Say Before Kissing Someone

66 Awesomely Horrible Things to Say Before Kissing Someone

By Erik Bergstrom

1. Don’t kiss me.

2. I bite faces.

3. You look like my mom.

4. Did you know I can inhale souls?

5. The prophecy is true: I’m very greasy.

6. My dad is hiding and you’ll never guess where. Te-he.

7. Think about Danny DiVito and pucker up.

8. My mouth tastes like ham.

9. I once licked a pigeon.

10. I think my B.O. has B.O.

11. I will crush your dreams slowly and painfully.

12. The doctor said I can kiss people now that my mouth isn’t full of blood.

13. I’m thinking about sneezing in your eyes.

14. Today a raccoon bit the inside of my mouth.

15. Kiss me before I turn back into the hideous frog-beast. Oh no, it’s toooooo laaaate!!! RIBBIT!!!

16. You smell like if garbage had a butt.

17. My friends bet me I wouldn’t go on a date with you. I did, but I guess I still lose.

18. Our dads should fight to see if we kiss.

19. I can eat so much orange juice and toothpaste, it’s craaaay-zeeeee.

20. I’m from the future. You’re going to be murdered by a walrus.

21. They said you couldn’t make underwear out of bacon, but...

22. I used to have a twin. You will be my new twin.

23. Sometimes a pretend to be a cat and cough up fur. Excuse me for 18 seconds.

24. I have to pee soooo bad. Do you have a backpack?

25. Can you get fleas from hugging roadkill?

26. You ever head-butt someone?

27. You’ll be the 13th person I’ve kissed today. That’s lucky!

28. Want to meet all of my stuffed animals?

29. I’m like the Hulk, but with kisses.

30. Kissing is so cool, I think I’m going to wet my pants.

31. I’m just going to close my eyes and start biting the air.

32. I’m a reincarnated dung beetle. Would you like to hear my stories?

33. We can kiss, but I’m only gathering a DNA sample.

34. Stabbing people is more fun than hitting them with hammers. JK, they are both funsies.

35. I shaved my back, but it’s covered in razor burn.

36. Sometimes the demons take my friends away.

37. Never look at me with your eyes.

38. I was sent from space to harvest your organs.

39. Can you get poison ivy on your lips?

40. Ever pretend you’re a dog and drink from the toilet?

41. I bet we have matching butt zits.

42. I hated every moment with you.

43. I can’t wait until someone better tries to kiss me.

44. How did your first pet die?

45. Want to hear how hotdogs are made?

46. My burps taste like vinegar.

47. I’ve been watching you sleep for years.

48. And that’s how I escaped prison.

49. I can drink a whole can of nacho cheese... and will!

50. I can feel my pink eye coming back.

51. We will parent the one who lives in shadows.

52. My feet smell like expensive cheese, fancy fancy.

53. There are ants in my hair.

54. Want to see my collection of baby teeth? No, not mine.

55. I eat a jar of mayonnaise every day.

56. Do you like disco? It’s all I can stand.

57. I had fun, but my mouth isn’t sanitary.

58. I’m going to get a tattoo of your name on my face so everyone knows that you are mine and will never escape no matter where you hide.

59. I bet you a dollar that I carry a flesh eating virus.

60. I’m better than you.

61. Let’s play “friend zone”!

62. I can burp the alphabet.

63. I bet you a dollar I can light your hair on fire.

64. Imagine your parents naked. I bet you look like that.

65. Want to see my infected scar?

66. My World of Warcraft character is dating someone much hotter than you.

Topics: Life
Tags: kissing, crushes, lists, gross things, making out

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About the Author
Erik Bergstrom

Erik Bergstrom is a comedian and illustrator who lives in New York City. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Time Out New York, on VH1, Buzzfeed.com, boingboing.net, and as a blogger for Comedy Central's Indecison 2012. His book Grimmer Tales has been released Penguin Books.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.