10 Places NOT to Find Summer Love
Summer is good for all manner of things. It's great for practicing your twerking, ideal for chasing friends through sprinklers, and an excellent time to subsist solely on soft-serve ice cream. It's also rife with traditions, including Fourth of July fireworks, leaving one flip-flop behind every place you go, and, in the immortal words of Grease, getting you some summer lovin'! If the songs and movies are to be believed, it's so easy to fall in love during the summer months that you're actually in danger of breaking more hearts than is strictly legal. To make things easier on everyone, here are ten places you can be absolutely sure to NEVER meet someone during these otherwise steamy summer months:
1. The Garbage Dump. It's not that there aren't oodles of eligible young folks hanging out at the dump, disposing of rotten salads and suspicious cement bricks, it's just that the dump doesn't exactly lend itself to flirting. You're all, "Do you come here often?" and they're like, "gag, ugh"—not because you're so cheesy it's not to be believed, but because everything smells like a farting raccoon. #unsexy.
2. A Fungus Doctor's Waiting Room. Unless it's the actual doctor you're pining for (stop it), you're not going to want to make eye contact with your fellow humans at the fungus doctor. Even if you do, you can rest assured they aren't scoping out your bod, unless it's to try and figure out where you're hiding your fungus. Only one thing grows here...and it is not love.
3. Sleep Clinic. I bet there are a lot of sexy, troubled, artsy folks at the sleep clinic! Too bad they'll all be sleeping when you get there. And if they aren't sleeping, then you will be. And even if you manage to be awake at the same time, your paper nightgowns will hamper any and all thoughts of sexy-times.
4. Nudist Camp. Oh sure, it SOUNDS like a winner, but then you think about how you have to put a towel down before you sit anywhere. Then you spot the folks who could be your parents (are they actually your parents? WHY DID YOU BRING YOUR PARENTS) playing beach volleyball, and then you burn yourself frying bacon, and before you know it, nothing is as unattractive or unexciting as the human body. That being said, no tan lines! So you've got that going for you.
5. Feral Cat Sanctuary. "Ah, look at us two attractive do-gooders, working together to save the—OH MY GOD GET IT OFF ME, MY FACE, MY BEAUTIFUL FAAAAAAAACE!" Case=we rest it.
6. Shark Cage. This one's good, because not only will you understand the true nature of fear, but also you're paying to be alone and underwater. If there's anyone else in your cage with you, they shouldn't be. They're also probably a shark. If we're being honest here, you probably have bigger problems than your love life to deal with right now.
7. Saunas. While working up a nice sweat is good in the depths of winter, it takes a certain sort of glutton for pain to enter a sauna for any length of time in July. You'll be too busy worrying about whether it's possible to throw up, pass out, and cry at the same time to be thinking about love.
8. A Cemetery. You can absolutely meet someone in a cemetery, but we're going to go ahead and assume that when you picture yourself in the musical version of your life, singing the song about how you met a groovy boy/girl this summer, you'd feel at least minimally chagrined to be all, "We made out/On this headstone/Now I'm being haunted by a vengeful ghost/Sucks, right?" Right.
9. Chuck E. Cheese. If you meet someone at Chuck E. Cheese, it means you're dating a baby, a robotic band-member, or a dude dressed up as a giant pizza-bestowing rat. You know what, now that we've put that out there—you get on with your bad self, you pizza rat–lovin' fool!
10. A Nursing Home. What's the opposite of a cougar? A...jungle kitten? If this isn't already a term for youthful folks attempting to date the elderly, please don't be the reason this term has to exist. Visiting the older generations is all well and good, but stick to stuff like pinochle, eating tinned peaches, and watching reruns of Matlock, all activities that are guaranteed to be anti-sexy.
Where else are you guaranteed NOT to find love this summer?