"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." When Charles Dickens wrote those iconic words, many believed he was describing the state of a city—or two cities, to be exact—but they were wrong. He was talking about frenemies. Frenemies are the best—and the worst. They're the friendship equivalent of a roller coaster, if a roller coaster possessed the ability to ask you if you're "100% sure you want to leave the house wearing that top." Passive-aggressive, conniving, and inexplicably loyal, frenemies make you run the gamut of emotions. And that's when it's NOT their birthday. Normally, present-shopping for a frenemy is an anxiety-ridden thrill ride, but we're here to help. Here are 15 perfect gifts for the frenemy in your life:
15. A t-shirt that's just a tiny bit too large or too small. In the perpetual chess match that is the frenemy battle, buying a T-shirt that's just a bit uncomfortable is the perfect way to express this confusing sentiment: "I like you, but I'm still upset that you called my necklace rustic." I mean, RUSTIC? You're not a goat!
14. A DVD of the movie Mean Girls. "For some reason this DVD just reminded me of us, ya know?"
13. A candle. Everybody likes a candle. They smell nice, they're useful for casting an effective love spell, and they make a star appearance in the classic song "Candle in the Wind." Candles make a nice gift, but they also convey the message, "I give up. I have zero times zero idea of what to buy you."
12. A $5 Bed Bath & Beyond gift card. Here's the diabolical beauty of this gift: you can't possibly visit a Bed Bath & Beyond and only spend $5. They have items for your bedroom, your bathroom, and your beyondroom! Your frenemy will walk in looking to spend 5 smackers, and walk out having spent a small fortune.
11. An atlas. Frenemy: "A present? For me? Wow, and you obviously did your own wrapping, nice try!" *Opens gift* "Oh, an...atlas. Thank you?"
10. A giant stuffed animal. What you'll say: "Isn't this giant flamingo adorable?" What you'll mean: "Good luck finding a place to store this giant albatross. Also, stop asking to borrow my deodorant in gym class. It's weird. It's really weird."
9. A personalized scrapbook. Sometimes it's best to zig when someone expects you to zag. By creating a genuinely thoughtful gift, you're attempting to continue this relationship with an -iend instead of an -enemy. Also, for the more sinister minds out there, this gift gives you all the power going forward. "What? Don't be silly. The iPhone shaped pencil sharpener you bought me for my birthday is JUST as nice as this time-consuming gift I PAINSTAKINGLY CREATED FOR YOU using only my heart and these two hands."
8. The season three DVD boxed set of a TV show. "But I never saw season one or two!" Huh. Weird.
7. A 10,000 piece puzzle. Happy Holidays! I bought you countless hours of wasted time!
6. A thesaurus. A great way to educate AND subtly suggest that your frenemy needs a more substantial grasp on the English language. Thesauruses make a good gift. Whoops. I mean, thesauruses make a sterling gift.
5. A hermit crab. Fun crab facts to tell your frenemy: "His name is Alfred and he loves sponges!"
Fun crab facts NOT to tell your frenemy: "The inside of his cage smells like a humid gym locker stuffed with four-week-old cheddar cheese!"
4. A three-month gym membership. And the Oscar for "Best Passive-Aggressive Gift" goes to...
3. The board game Mouse Trap. Have you ever attempted to set up this board game? "Happy birthday! I bought you the board game equivalent of a take-home algebra test."
2. An online dating subscription. Or if that doesn't work, a giant flashing neon sign that says, "Stop flirting with my significant other!"
1. A photo of yourself. That's right, a beautifully framed picture of you smiling a smile so bright. What a beautiful reminder of the unique bond you two share as friends—that they'll be forced to look at EVERY SINGLE DAY.
*Maniacal super-villain laugh*
Have you ever bought a gift for a frenemy?